Time is a funny thing, mostly because it’s a construct, but it has a way of forcing people to see things differently, even when they might not want to.
I hadn’t spent long stretches of time with my mom until her recent visit. After she left, I began to reflect on how the years — and distance — have changed us both. The picture I have of her has stayed mostly the same over the years, but this visit shifted something: I’m now more aware of her aging, and of my own.
I’m seeing her for who she is
It’s hard to see your parents one way as a child and then realize, as an adult, that that impression of them was based solely on a child’s perspective and only knowing them relationally as a parent, not fully knowing them as an adult from an adult’s perspective.
The relationship I had with her as a child and teen may be long gone, and the relationship I have with her now has evolved beyond anything my youthful perspective could have imagined. During this most recent visit, I feel like I’m finally seeing the truest version of her from a healed, adult perspective. She’s human. I’m human. We all just have to figure out how we relate to one another and engage in one another’s lives.
I’m in my hinge generation years
The phase of life where I am right now as a millennial has sometimes been referred to as the sandwich generation, but I recently read something about it also being called the hinge generation. I’m approaching this thing called “middle age,” and I’m reluctant to identify as such. I’m old enough to have aging parents and be a parent myself, but still young enough that middle age simply sounds like a historical time period.
Watching my mother’s age become more apparent — both as her child and as a parent myself — has me contemplating the reality of standing in the middle as part of the hinge generation. Seeing her differently has also made me profoundly aware that my own daughter is old enough to perceive me differently from how she saw me as a toddler and young child. I’m less infallible and more easily able to be critiqued, as my human nature is more visible to her developing mind.
What does this mean for my own daughter, who’s watching me age? How does she feel about our relationship, even in her first decade of life? She may be young, but I vividly remember being that age and even recall what I thought about my mom. While I don’t know exactly how my daughter sees me, I have to remember that she is her own person, with her own views and perspectives shaped by everything in her life. While my relationship with my mother may never change from what it is now, the memories I have of it from childhood have at least influenced me as a mom. I want to keep the lines of communication open with my daughter and show up — for both her and my son — with emotional availability and empathy.”
I see myself in my mom and also my daughter
Wherever we are in the “line” of time, we can remember all the places we’ve already been, ages, and experiences survived. We can look at all the people around us and see them as children who have grown up with diverse experiences that have brought them to their current state and status.
Human beings will never be perfect. Neither will any type of relationship — familial, romantic, friendship, or otherwise. Time changes people, and time changes perspectives. Where we find ourselves in our thoughts and between relationships is only a transitive place, one that is forever changing as we shift across space and time into the future. Who we will be is shaped by our self-talk and how we see ourselves, and further formed by time and life experiences. How we treat ourselves and others actively plays a role in how relationships develop and end — or how they develop and thrive.
Looking 30 years into my future, I see both my mom and myself; looking 30 years back, I see myself and my daughter. We’re a connected line of women and lives that have interrelated and interdependent on one another. And each new moment of each new day will shape the mutual direction, depth, and desire to continue onwards. As I like to tell my children: They are the final arbiters in their lives, and they can build their reality — and relationships — through their thoughts, behaviors, and actions. What we each build is up to us.
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