As someone who was married young and divorced 15 years later, I can tell you with 100% certainty that I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. After two decades with the same person (if you count the dating years), I still hadn’t figured out how to communicate my feelings or ask for what I needed. You’d think somebody might mention how important that stuff is before you commit for eternity.
Board-certified sexologist Tammy Nelson, Ph.D., recently shared five mistakes that can wear down a marriage over time. And having personally made it through two decades of a relationship and a divorce, I wish I’d known how to master these sooner.
1. You Avoid the Conversations You Really Need to Have
Money and sex can be uncomfortable topics, especially when you already know the conversation has a very good chance of ending in an argument. So you put it off. And then you put it off again. Eventually, you’ve gone six months without discussing something that’s been bothering you since Easter.
Relationship researcher John Gottman found that 69% of marital conflicts recur because couples never fully resolve them. Nelson encourages couples to talk about the uncomfortable stuff, even when you don’t want to. Twenty years is a long time to hope your partner will eventually figure out what’s bothering you.
2. You Think You Know Everything About Each Other
After ten or 15 years together, you start assuming you know everything about your partner. You remember what they were like when you first met, but you may have missed how much they’ve changed since. And chances are, they could say the same about you.
Nelson believes that lost curiosity can even contribute to affairs. “That’s why we have affairs, right? Somebody comes along, and they’re fascinated by us,” she explained. So ask your partner what they want now. Their answer might surprise you, especially if you’re still assuming they’re the same person they were at 25.
3. Your Marriage Has Become One Long To-Do List
At some point, married life can become a never-ending discussion about what’s for dinner and who needs to mow the lawn. You can go an entire week talking without a single conversation that doesn’t involve something that needs to get done.
Psychologist Arthur Aron found that couples who tried new, exciting activities together reported improvements in relationship quality. Even a seven-minute lab exercise made a difference. An unfamiliar hiking trail or a weekend somewhere new could be a solid start.
4. Every Conversation About Sex Becomes a Criticism
Sex is already a touchy subject for a lot of couples, and a conversation about everything your partner does wrong in bed isn’t going to help. Nelson suggests bringing up what you enjoy, including something they did years ago that you’d love them to do again.
You can still discuss what’s bothering you. But telling your partner what feels good will probably get a warmer reception than a detailed explanation of everything they’ve been doing wrong.
5. You Forget to Say the Nice Stuff Out Loud
You can spend years loving somebody and assuming they already know how you feel. Meanwhile, they might be wondering when you last found anything about them remotely interesting.
Nelson encourages couples to express affection when they feel it. Tell your partner you appreciate them. Compliment them when they look good. You don’t need to deliver a heartfelt speech every time they walk into the kitchen, but even something small can be game-changing.
Looking back at my own marriage, I wish I’d learned some of this a hell of a lot earlier. Twenty years is a long time to spend with someone while struggling to explain what’s going on in your head. And a divorce is a painful way to learn that lesson.
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