I’ve been dealing with health struggles for years and often feel a ton of mom guilt about not being there for my son as much as I used to be when he was younger.
I was a single mom for the first seven years of his life, and he watched me do it all. He saw me work and then do everything around the house, all while still spending a lot of time with him.
But I sometimes wonder if the pressure I put on myself to do it all on my own is part of why I burned out. About five years ago, it seemed like I got sick suddenly, but my symptoms had likely been mounting for years. It’s also possible that being so busy kept me from noticing and dealing with my symptoms.
I used to be able to do so much with my son outside, like playing basketball or going on a family hike nearly every weekend. Those are the things I miss doing with him the most, but what he misses most is me getting down on the floor to build Lego creations with him. My current orthopedic struggles make that impossible right now.
I seriously hurt my back and hips about two years ago. After years of repeated injuries in the area, my back locked up out of nowhere, and I couldn’t walk the next morning. I lost so much function overnight that just sitting and standing became major challenges. While I can’t quite build Legos on the floor yet, I have come a long way in my physical recovery.
At first, I didn’t handle missing out on things well
When I first started getting sick a lot, I cried often about missing out on things with my son. For instance, if I got a terrible migraine, I’d miss entire weekends with him or important events. It felt like I was missing major moments. Instead of giving myself any grace, I just put more pressure on myself to get better for my son. But of course, that’s not how getting better works.
I was finally diagnosed with endometriosis last year and have seen improvements with various treatments. That has given me a lot of hope. But getting to this point took me accepting that I have a health condition that isn’t going away and requires a lot of management. That takes time, time that will take me away from parenting how I have for the last 13 years.
Accepting my new reality helped me start moving forward
I’ve had to learn how to ask family members for help, which is something I used to avoid to my own detriment. But I’m getting better at it because I’ve realized that asking for a little help is a lot better than hurting myself and backsliding in my rehabilitation process.
When it comes to my son, I’ve had to find new ways to spend time with him. We were always so active together, often going for bike rides or playing catch, but I’m still working up to walking long distances again. I am extremely grateful that my son is OK with just walking by my side. In fact, he asks if he can tag along on my nightly strolls around the neighborhood.
There are other things that I never had to stop doing, such as watching a movie with him or cooking something together in the kitchen. When I realized I was fixating on what I couldn’t do with him anymore, I worked to reframe my thinking to focus more on everything I can still do with him. It turns out, it’s a lot.
I’m now modeling the benefits of slow living
I realized that the way I take care of myself will also likely be the way my son cares for himself one day. When I started thinking of my healthcare as a model for him, it made me want to be nicer to myself. And when I started being more gentle with myself, the guilt I felt for being unwell started to slip away.
I want him to see me doing my best to get better, but I also want him to see me resting or asking for help when I really need it. I want him to see that there is no award for doing everything on your own or pushing yourself too hard. Alternatively, a lot of good comes from pacing yourself and taking a beat when you need one. I know that now, and I want him to know it, too.
When I’m feeling frustrated for not being able to do more, because I still do have those days, I remind myself that I need to rest in order to show up as the best parent I can be. No one in my family benefits from me overdoing it and then burning out for the rest of the day or several days afterward.
I want my son to listen to his body and recognize his needs
Once I reshaped the way I saw my health affecting my son, I stopped feeling like I was letting him down all of the time. I’m still showing up for him in every way I can, and when I have to pause and care for myself, I’m also showing him that rest is allowed.
I have hope that all the work I’m putting in to get better and the self-care that I now prioritize is influencing him in a positive way. A few weeks ago, I found him watching basketball clips in his room, a face mask on, while foam-rolling his sore muscles. It made me so much more proud of him to see him stop and rest, instead of pushing himself in spite of being tired.
Read the original article on Business Insider
The post I spent years trying to be a supermom. Getting sick taught me that my son needed to see me rest, too. appeared first on Business Insider.
