Texting has somehow made dating both easier and way more irritating. You can talk to someone all day without ever hearing their voice, but you can also see the exact moment they opened your message and chose not to answer it.
That little “Read” under a message has a stupid amount of power. If someone normally texts back within a few minutes, you’ll notice when six hours go by and there’s still nothing.
The read receipt is just a timestamp, though. Everything else is just overthinking.
Start With What’s Normal for Them
A person who normally takes half a day to answer isn’t being out of character by taking six hours today. Some people barely look at their phones during work. Others answer everyone immediately and have their own anxiety about replying right away (that’s a whole different story).
Rachel Mahoney, a relationship and communication expert at The League, told Cosmopolitan, “Not everyone is on your timeline or shares your speed of communication.”
What should be noticed is when their behavior changes. If you used to talk throughout the day and now you get one dry response every couple of days, that’s different from someone who’s always been a terrible texter.
Look at What You Actually Sent
Some texts don’t really require an answer. “Had fun last night” can sit there for a while without the world ending. “Are we still meeting at 7?” obviously has a little more urgency.
Overly vague messages can also leave both people waiting for the other one to move things along. “We should hang out sometime” sounds flirty and sweet, but there isn’t much to respond to. Be more direct; say something like “We should hang out next Friday are you free?” instead.
Read Receipts Make Waiting Worse
Seeing that somebody opened the message removes one explanation immediately. You know they got it. But why aren’t they responding? That’s when people can start losing their minds.
A study of mobile messaging users associated read receipts with increased checking and anxiety. If you never saw that “read,” you’d just assume they haven’t gotten around to checking their phone yet.
Maybe they were walking into a meeting. Maybe they forgot. Maybe they didn’t know what to say. You have no idea, and of course your brain goes to the worst-case scenario.
One Follow-Up Is Normal
If you actually need an answer, sending another text after some time has passed is fine. It doesn’t need to be a confrontation about why they haven’t replied.
Timing depends on the conversation. Plans for tonight need an answer sooner than a meme does. Someone you’ve dated for six months also owes you a different level of communication than a person you matched with on Hinge two nights ago.
Maybe They’re Just Not That Into You
Sometimes the answer really is that they’re not interested and just don’t have the guts to say it. People avoid uncomfortable conversations all the time, and dating gives them tons of opportunities to disappear instead of having some accountability.
If you’ve sent one follow-up and they still don’t respond, there usually isn’t much to gain from pushing harder. You can leave the door open with something simple, or you can stop texting and move on. Either way, trying to drag a definitive answer out of somebody who’s already avoiding the conversation rarely goes the way you want it to.
Pay Attention When It Keeps Happening
Everyone misses a text occasionally. People also open messages while doing something else and fully intend to answer later, then forget.
If the same person keeps disappearing for days and comes back whenever they feel like talking again, that’s more informative than one lonely read receipt. That’s their normal, unfortunately.
One unanswered text can happen for a hundred reasons. If the same person keeps disappearing for days, that’s harder to excuse.
The post What It Really Means When Someone Leaves You on Read, According to a Relationship Expert appeared first on VICE.
