My son and daughter-in-law have been married for six years, and had not spent Christmas with our side of the family until they hosted us a couple of years ago.
In our family, attending Christmas pageants, singing carols and attending the candlelight church service were always a part of our celebrations and traditions. None of this was happening that year, not even a blessing at the holiday meal.
During this first family Christmas gathering at their home, while opening gifts, my daughter-in-law adamantly stated, “Oh, there is no God!” The rest of our family side-eyed one another with raised eyebrows but said nothing.
My son and daughter-in-law’s first child has since been born — my first grandchild. I am unsure how and when to broach the topic of our differences in beliefs and whether my daughter-in-law will be accepting of their son learning about these differences, while making it clear to her that it will be up to my grandson to decide for himself what he chooses to believe.
My son stays quiet about the subject, but has no objections in private about accepting my prayers or when I mention my religious beliefs, which he was raised with.
My daughter-in-law is highly intelligent and can unknowingly intimidate me, but the freedom of being able to sing songs and speak freely with my grandchild about faith and not monitor my words is important to me.
I tend to get tongue-tied when nervous, so how do I best approach this delicate topic to avoid conflict and stay in her good graces?
From the Therapist: This might seem like a difference about faith, but I think this is fundamentally an issue about the freedom to be authentic. It’s about your need to present your true self around your grandson. Not only is that a legitimate need, it’s a model that will serve him well.
Let’s start with a basic premise: Your relationship with your grandson is exactly that — your relationship. Like all the adults in his life, you’ll have your own unique bond with him. Part of what makes grandparents valuable is that they aren’t the parents — they bring different perspectives, different stories, different histories and different ways of being.
Your daughter-in-law doesn’t believe there’s a God, and she’s entitled to that belief. You believe there is a God, and you’re entitled to that belief too. This isn’t a problem to be solved. You’re just two people with different worldviews, and your grandson is lucky to grow up knowing both of you.
I say lucky because children aren’t so fragile that they crack the moment they encounter a contradictory idea. Your grandson will learn that Grandma believes in God and prays, and that his parents don’t believe in God and don’t pray. He’ll see that some people go to church and some people don’t, some sing Christmas carols and some don’t. Most importantly, he’ll learn that people he loves can see the world differently and still love each other.
This is how children eventually form their own beliefs: by being exposed to different ideas, asking questions and watching how the adults in their lives navigate disagreement. If you sing “Silent Night” and he asks what it means, then asks his parents about it, that’s not a cause for alarm. That’s childhood. Over time, he’ll figure out what resonates with him.
While your daughter-in-law has expressed her belief about God in front of your family, you didn’t say that she has explicitly asked you not to share yours. You did, however, mention that your son “has no objections in private” to your prayers and faith, which makes me wonder if he, too, is hesitant to be himself in front of his wife. I hope that’s not the case.
Just as children aren’t ideological clones of their parents (your son is a perfect example of that), spouses don’t need to be ideological clones of each other either. In couples and family therapy, I often see that the obstacle between people isn’t so much the “issue” itself; it’s a failure to accept the inevitable differences of each individual in the relationship.
For this reason, now is a good time to establish what it means to create a family where different beliefs aren’t just permitted, but respected. You might have a conversation with your son and daughter-in-law along these lines:
I know we have different beliefs and traditions, and I respect how you’re raising your son. I also want you to know that when I’m with my grandson, I’m going to be myself — which includes being honest about my own faith. I will never try to convert him, convince him of anything or undermine you. I just don’t want to pretend to be someone I’m not. If he asks questions, I’ll answer them from my perspective and make clear that this is just my way of seeing things and not everyone else’s.
This approach does three things. First, it moves the conversation from a debate about religion to one about relating to family members authentically. Second, it shows respect for his parents’ beliefs while also making room for yours. Third, it avoids a negotiation around what you can and can’t say, which often becomes unnecessarily complicated.
Will this make your daughter-in-law uncomfortable at first? Maybe. But discomfort isn’t the same as harm. In fact, your daughter-in-law’s intelligence shouldn’t intimidate you — it should reassure you that she has the ability to understand that you’re not trying to indoctrinate your grandchild, which is about control, authority and the suppression of alternatives. You’re just trying to be who you are. And in a truly open-minded household — which I suspect your daughter-in-law would say she values — that should feel welcoming, not threatening.
Ultimately, what your grandson will remember about your relationship is less about theology and more about what it was like to have a grandmother who was genuine with him — who sang the songs that moved her, engaged in traditions that brought her joy, offered warmth and love, and showed him that it’s possible to believe deeply in something while still loving people who believe differently.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the author of the best-selling book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.” She offers readers advice on life’s tough questions in the “Ask the Therapist” column.
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