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Ready to Clock Out
I am really struggling to stay motivated. I attribute it to burnout at my previous job, perimenopause symptoms, being an empty nester, mild depression and just being “done” with work. I’m 52 and don’t see retirement coming anytime soon, but need to pay college tuition for the next four years or so, so I don’t see a way out. Plus, I work for a company full of young, superintelligent high achievers, and I feel like I can’t keep up, nor do I want to. How can I make it through the next several years?
— “Done” but Not Finished
It sounds like there is a lot on your plate. Too much, one could argue, for any given day at the office.
I feel optimistic for you, though, mostly because I believe getting or staying motivated isn’t about pulling a lever marked “Motivated!” to slide into a flow state of to-do-list-conquering.
It can be counterproductive to think about motivation as a binary. That shrouds the basic building blocks of a workday — the things that energize us, the things we dread, the natural lulls, the unglamorous necessities, the spikes of dopamine — in one catchall state: Either you’re motivated or you’re not.
Instead, I think in your case you want to self-medicate ennui with productive novelty. And in many modern corporate settings there are actually a lot of opportunities for adding novelty to your day in ways the company encourages. Lunchtime speaker series. An employee resource group. Tuition reimbursement toward learning new technical skills or languages. Signing up to be a mentor. Signing up for a mentor. Internal shadowing or transfer opportunities. A short-term assignment on a different team.
This list may seem as bleak to you as most litanies of perimenopause symptoms. I realize you have written in to say: I don’t feel like doing anything. And I am saying: But what if you did even more things? Things you don’t even technically have to do to earn your paycheck to pay tuition to keep trudging up the mountain of midlife.
What I am getting at, though, is this. What would it feel like not to change everything, but to change your routine for 45 minutes every other Tuesday?
Instead of the brick wall of your inbox, what if your view for a sliver of the day was practicing conversational Spanish in the cafeteria or at a brown-bag lunch talk?
Or, perhaps even better, having coffee with a 30-something colleague who wants to talk with you about how you navigated your career while balancing the demands of a young family?
That could be a fruitful mentoring relationship, where the view of your path through a mentee’s eyes could potentially shift how you feel. But even if nothing as profound as that emerges, literally getting up and out of your current routine is likely to shake free some mental space and energy for the tasks that, right now, feel like a slog.
It’s not a magical motivational mantra. But it could be energizing, even for an afternoon. And one energizing afternoon can build momentum for a better morning the next day. Our lives aren’t all or nothing, and neither is work.
One other note: You say the company is full of “young, superintelligent high achievers.” That may be true, or that may be how it feels to you. (Those colleagues may be writing their own letters to workplace advice columnists to say how intimidated they are by their experienced 50-something colleagues.) I doubt you would have a role at a company full of high achievers if you didn’t also fit that description in some way. So proceed with confidence as you figure out what will be most energizing to you at this stage of your career. You are done — with feeling exactly as you do now. That’s fair. The tools and skills you’ve used to get this far will get you somewhere different.
On Leave, but Wanting to Be Gone for Good
I work for one of the big tech companies in the San Francisco Bay Area as an engineer. Recently, the constant interruptions, the expectations of always being available and the meaninglessness of the work itself exacerbated my pre-existing mental health conditions to the point where I followed my doctor’s advice and took short-term medical leave.
Taking time off to explicitly address my health has been transformative. My dilemma is this: I realize that even if I could maintain my equanimity at my current job, I have no desire to. I plan to resign once my leave ends. It is ending soon, but could be extended. There are legitimate arguments to be made that I could take more time to cement the gains I’ve made recently, but I feel somewhat guilty at the thought of asking for more time when I know I won’t go back.
Some have told me to think about it as a benefit I’m owed regardless of my future plans. To me it feels somewhat dishonest.
Do I owe my boss, whom I like, any consideration? Or should I put myself first and take advantage of what my company and the State of California provide?
— On Leave or Just Leaving?
It sounds like you have done your research, but just to get it all clear from the start, I called Seema N. Patel, a professor at the University of California College of the Law, San Francisco, who specializes in workplace and employment law and knows large tech companies well.
Per Professor Patel, in California: “Yes, the employee may absolutely avail themselves of the voluntary benefit and then leave the job — that is perfectly legal.”
I think you know that.
But your real question is, as Professor Patel put it, “What do we as society think about that?”
Which is what you are asking. Well, you are asking this columnist, not all of society. But I’m not shy. I’ll give it a go.
And, speaking for all of society, I’ll say this is a tricky one.
You don’t work for a mom-and-pop outfit, and I don’t think anyone’s heart is going to bleed for a big tech company that’s losing one employee after an extended paid medical leave.
That big tech company probably offers a good number of what Professor Patel classifies as “voluntary benefits” — wellness programs, meals, gym discounts and, yes, mental health leave.
“While these kinds of perks may seem extremely or especially generous or special, they evince greater returns for the employer who offers them than they do furnish the employees with the value of the benefit,” Professor Patel said.
In other words, the value can be in creating an aura of being a generous employer, regardless of the reality of any individual’s day-to-day experience (and yours sounds like it has been challenging).
If the company’s getting the aura of generosity, you should also get the actual benefit.
If I were your manager, I would want you to take all of the medical leave your doctor had recommended. But I don’t think I’d want you to have made up your mind already about what to do after. That indicates that maybe you’ve spent more time thinking about work itself on this leave than on recovering.
I wonder what it would feel like to decide instead: I am taking the extended medical leave my doctor told me to take. And I am not yet making a decision on what happens next.
Then, could you work with your health care provider on strategies for coping with stress, managing mood and maintaining boundaries around your time? In one sense, enacting those strategies while going back to a role you already know could be ideal. And could set you up for the best chance of success in whatever you pursue in the future.
But if you know for sure you are done — or believe that even a short amount of time back in the old job would undo the progress you’ve made on your mental health — then I do think the rest of your letter itself is telling. You describe feeling “somewhat guilty” and that the action could be “somewhat dishonest.” Those word choices mean something, and I don’t think the leave extension itself is the biggest issue you’re worried about. It’s leaving for good.
So: How to depart in a maximally transparent and honest way? When your time away is wrapping up, tell your manager that during medical leave, you’ve realized that maintaining your mental health is not compatible with your current role. You are planning to resign, but want to do it in the least disruptive way possible. And you can work with your manager to figure out what that means.
The perks at these companies are intended to give people an incentive to join and to stay. But sometimes they will do the opposite. And that is a benefit you are fully entitled to.
And workers, readers, friends — this is it for my stint as your Work Friend columnist. Thank you very much for having me. Please keep the questions coming as the next Friend in the lineup takes over: the tech journalist Max Read.
The post When You Feel ‘Done’ With Work but Can’t Just Quit appeared first on New York Times.
