Does your social battery run out too quickly? Every time you attend a party, wedding, or other large gathering, do you fight the urge to close your eyes while trying to perform socially? If so, you’re in good company—and there’s nothing wrong with you.
In fact, you might be better suited to soft socializing, a gentler option for more introverted, anxious, or burned-out people.
What Is Soft Socializing?
According to Robert G. Alexander, Ph.D., cognitive scientist and assistant professor of psychology and counseling at New York Institute of Technology, “‘Soft socializing’ refers to intentional low-pressure, often activity-based forms of hanging out, as opposed to going to loud bars or parties.”
“Many social settings are organized around performance: people often feel like they need to be interesting or responsive,” he adds. “But soft socializing shifts the goal from performing to being present.”
Think: coffee shop writing dates with a friend, walking through the park with a few loved ones, etc. These low-stakes social plans ease the pressure to perform a certain way.
“Interactions feel very demanding when you feel like you’re being judged or that you have to perform socially,” says Alexander. “But when there’s a shared activity with clear expectations, you don’t have to constantly decide what to say or do next.”
Examples of Soft Socializing
There are countless ways to soft socialize, depending on the environment, social dynamic, and goals for your interactions. However, most soft socializing involves shared activities, like hiking through the woods, going thrifting together, or even working on separate creative projects in each other’s presence.
For example, since I’m a freelance writer, I spend most days at the coffee shop drafting articles. Sometimes, I’ll invite my friend—a copywriter and poet—to join me for a latte and creative session.
“These kinds of activities can help people feel safe, connected with others, and like they truly belong (without needing to manage impressions),” says Alexander. “For many people, that can mean the difference between feeling restored by an event and feeling depleted.”
Benefits of Soft Socializing
Perhaps the best part of soft socializing is that you still reap the benefits of socialization—connection, sense of belonging, emotional fulfillment, etc.—without pushing yourself to perform. Instead, you can sit back, relax, and be yourself.
“The connection is in the shared presence itself,” says Alexander. “Shared activities frequently draw the attention away from you and onto something external. Pauses in the conversation can come and go without feeling awkward, and you can feel relieved of the responsibility of sustaining the conversation moment to moment. That reduces pressure and can allow connection to feel more authentic. The demand is low, but the connection is real.”
Soft socializing is especially helpful for individuals enduring stressful periods of their lives, especially if they’re anxious or simply low on energy.
“When people are stressed or burned out, they already feel overwhelmed. Their bandwidth is already limited,” says Alexander. “With soft socializing, you aren’t alone, but you also aren’t required to perform. That allows the nervous system to settle. Soft socializing can reduce stress instead of amplifying it.”
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