My best friend has been having an affair with a married man. Another close friend of mine considers the man’s wife like a sister. My best friend confided in me more than a year ago; I was upset, but I stayed quiet, partly because it didn’t feel like my place to say something and partly because I hoped it would end. It hasn’t, and now I resent carrying the secret.
If I tell that other friend, I risk my relationship with my best friend and may just shift the burden onto the other friend, who would then have to decide whether to reveal it and hurt the betrayed wife. But if I stay silent, I remain complicit in hiding something that could affect the wife’s choices about her marriage.
Do I keep protecting the secret, or speak up? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Most of us know far less about what goes on inside other people’s marriages than we may think — how often the partners fight or forgive, what private understandings hold them together. Without that knowledge, any attempt to intervene is a shot in the dark. Even the modest goal of “not making things worse” assumes you can tell what worse would be.
That’s why it’s often better, in these circumstances, to shift from thinking about outcomes to thinking about obligations. The question isn’t “What will make things better?” but “What do I owe, and to whom?” Here, your primary bond is with your best friend. You don’t seem to know her lover’s wife well, but your other close friend is loyal to her. When your best friend confided in you, it was under the seal of friendship: The keeping of confidences is an expectation that forms part of that moral contract. Telling others — especially someone likely to tell the wife — would be a serious betrayal, and you would become the source of a revelation that could hurt several people at once.
You can think that the wife has a right to know what’s going on without thinking that you have a duty to tell her. That duty lies with her husband, the person who broke his vows. Coldplay concerts aside, we generally don’t go around exposing whatever instances of infidelity we come across.
What you do owe is candor with your best friend. Encourage her to end the affair, or to confront its consequences openly. If you decide, in the end, that you can’t keep her confidence, let her know before you act. If you decide that silence is the lesser harm, then keep the secret fully. Confiding in your other friend wouldn’t ease your burden; it would just spread the damage.
Marriage is a serious moral institution. So is friendship. And sometimes, as here, they make conflicting claims on us. If you choose to speak, first tell your best friend why. Whether you choose silence or disclosure, let the decision be a considered one, rather than an act of avoidance under the guise of loyalty.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who was concerned that her spouse’s troubling new political views could upset a friend who was coming to visit. She wrote:
“I am struggling through a politically mixed marriage. I didn’t sign on for this. Long ago, we had similar beliefs. Now my partner is going through some spiritual and political searching that is bewildering and painful. … I write because we are expecting a houseguest who is a colleague and a dear friend. My friend is of Middle Eastern descent and has strong views about the war in Gaza. … I want my guest to be comfortable, and I want to avoid discomfort, too. I would be mortified to have to warn my friend in advance about what we’re going through in our marriage. My partner has responded poorly to my past requests to limit certain behaviors around my friends. I need to find a balance when it comes to enjoying free speech in my home, showing common courtesy to guests and supporting my spouse. Should I ask my friend to stay at a hotel?” — Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
“Two dramas are clearly unfolding here. One is personal and long-running: A marriage, once braced by shared convictions, is in trouble. The other is immediate and concrete: the risk that your spouse will say something boorishly provocative to a guest you value. If the marriage were steady, the second wouldn’t be an issue: You could trust your partner to set politics aside for a night. The disturbing fact is that you can’t. … As a host, you have an obligation to shield your guest from discomfort. So the practical solution is just not asking your friend to stay in your home. But the deeper problem concerns a partner who seems unwilling, or unable, to grant you even the small accommodation you seek. … Counseling might give you both a way to talk about what’s going on here. Your friend’s visit is a small problem with a clear solution. Your marriage is the larger, harder one. It deserves more than watchful endurance.”
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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The Ethicist’s point that the letter writer’s marriage itself is the bigger problem is wise, as is his suggestion to seek counseling. However, how can the letter writer ask her friend to stay at the hotel without explaining why? And if she cannot share this issue with her friend, what kind of friendship is it? Indeed, she is endangering her friendship by not being honest about what is happening. A good friend would understand and be supportive. — David
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I completely agree with the Ethicist’s advice to to avoid hosting a guest who might endure unpleasant comments. I found myself in exactly that situation 10 years ago, before a divorce became unavoidable. Changes in political views are OK, but a radical transformation and extreme positions that leave no space for courteous discussions are (in my experience) not resolved by counseling. And they should certainly never cause a guest to be offended or even made uncomfortable. One detail to add: Be sure to pay for your friend’s hotel stay. — Catherine
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As a family physician, I detect what sounds like personality changes here. Perhaps a physical medical evaluation is in order to determine whether this behavior has organic cause, and is not simply an individual response to the current political climate. — Kevin
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I enjoy the comfort and ease of entertaining in my home and have made a great effort to provide comfortable accommodations for guests. My idea would be to ask the “searching” spouse to search in a hotel for a couple of days and let me entertain in my home in peace. — Kathryn
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Simply to assume that the guest would not be able to cope with offensive comments by the spouse, and therefore to cancel the invitation to stay in the couple’s home, would be an insult to the guest. Explain the problem. Let the guest decide whether staying the home will be an acceptable option. This may lead to an uncomfortable conversation, but not nearly as bad as the conversation that will surely ensue, sooner or later, if the writer decides the friend cannot be a houseguest, but tries to avoid saying why. — Ed
Kwame Anthony Appiah is The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist and teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. To submit a query, send an email to [email protected].
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