There is no Salt Lake City soup man. He wears suits. Slinking through the shadows, everyone on The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is so spiritually Lynchian, we take nicknames like “Soup Man” at face value. In the world of Bravo’s movies and mysteries, it’s just common sense.
Fresh off their funniest endeavor of the season, the Housewives have retreated to their icy bases, preparing for an attack that could prove fatal—but for whom? Could it be Lisa Barlow, whose outbursts, once hilarious, have caught the ire of her castmates? Or will it be Bronwyn Newport, whose savvy has scored her a cushy spot amongst the cast, one that could be blown up by the latest blogger blurbs?
In Salt Lake City, the freakshow is open 24/7, and you just never know what will emerge from behind the curtain. Tonight, we get a surprising show, a two-woman stage play by everyone’s favorite understudy: Britani Bateman. It’s a little-bit Little Woman, a little bit Mommie Dearest, and very, very disturbed in the most beautimous way.
Britani may have been relegated to the ethers of the Earth, neither receiving a snowflake nor the respect of her castmates, but production knows a star when it sees one. And we’re seeing double at a coffee shop named “coffee,” in which Britani sits down with her daughter while two divas work from home nearby. Oh, to be them.
“My reading with Terrence was literally, like, prophetic,” Britani shares in a confessional, still shaken to her core a man could sense the dysfunction in her family life she’d only shared on TV, in interviews, and online. “So I’ve decided to take a step back in my romantic relationship to focus on what’s really, really important,” which is snagging herself an Emmy to go along with the Tony she’ll get any day now. Mama can sing.
So, she orders a “steamer” for her daughter Olivia in a reference to the last time the two were close—when she was four—while delivering a heater of a scene. Under the fluorescent coffee shop lights, the two have it out, recalling Britani’s failed second marriage, one where she prioritized her husband over her kids, alongside a story of Britani making out with Jared in front of her daughter.
Here, Olivia begs and pleads for Britani to be the mother she needs, a call that might just fall on deaf ears. Britani grabbed the “Mormon horror story” baton from Heather and started sprinting down the track. She is everything you could want in a Real Housewife: delusional and diabolical in a sugar-sweet way, which begs the question: What more could Britani do to snag a snowflake? Maybe she’s destined to tour off-Broadway, and off Bravo.
Meanwhile, across town, Heather Gay—the host of Peacock’s latest docuseries, Surviving Mormonism—has returned to her good time girl roots, serving as the judge and jury of the Lisa Barlow trial, one in which she’s decided the sentence should be a lifetime of torture, no parole.
It’s a sharp switch-up from the dynamic the two built over the past two seasons, but one that proves Heather never quite lost her Mormon mean girl roots. She is and always will be the hall monitor who keeps score of who drank at Brandi Jo’s backyard party.
That’s what is so compelling about Heather. She has run so far from her past, but you can’t shake your skin off and start anew. She knows exactly what she’s doing sitting on FaceTime with Angie and saying, “I think if anyone’s going to help her change, it’s gonna be us!” as though Lisa appreciates constructive criticism.
That doesn’t stop her from trying, anyway, in thinly veiled hopes Lisa will respond exactly as Lisa does: two thumbs up, the Utah F you.
As the duo discuss the upcoming yacht trip (“Oh, that’ll be nice for Angie, as she’s never been on a luxury trip like that, or on a yacht,” Lisa quips), Heather tries some tough love. Well, without the love part. Here, Heather tries to tell Lisa that, if Angie’s a “mean b—-, then you’re a mean b—-” as though two girls can’t be mean. Why must we qualify who’s meaner than the other on the meanest show to ever air?
After all, Heather’s not exactly a sweetheart, either. She’s perfected the art of “nice nasty”: “There’s a reason that, like, no one ever rides hard for you. And I think it’s because they’ve all been burned by you, and everyone at that table has a history with you where you have gone low.”
When Lisa breaks down in tears, Heather reacts in shock, as though she didn’t just say some of the most cutting insults she could. I’ll toss on my Lisa Barlow stan goggles for a second and say, Heather’s point would only land well had she actually hit Angie with the same criticisms.
As it stands, it’s clear Ms. Gay just wants to get her lick back for the feud that birthed the show, trolling a takedown from the sidelines. And, honestly, that works too. It’s a refreshing shift to the dynamic now that she’s actually saying it to Lisa’s face.
Lisa and Heather are a modern Ramona and Luann, frenemies to the end. And if they’re that dysfunctional duo, then what does that make Heather and Meredith but Luann and Jill, whose surprise alliance emerged in Season 3… just the same as these two. This analogy falls apart when you consider this makes Lisa and Meredith the Ramona and Jill, so don’t think about it too hard (too too hard).
Heather is ready to knock down the final domino to take down Lisa Barlow, but it might just be the toughest. She meets Meredith for a classic snow walk with a mountainous background, the kind that makes RHOSLC such a visual treat. It’s an interesting chat, both women abundantly clear of the true nature while shielding it as minimally as possible, just for plausible deniability. Meredith isn’t ready to throw in the towel on Lisa, especially not to put her eggs in Angie’s Greek Orthodox basket, and that lets Heather know: you’re on your own.
Somehow, it’s Mary who offers Angie a truly candid take on her behavior. Fresh off a friendly feud, Angie lays out some charcuterie and Yerba mate, while Mary scolds her sufficiently on Angie’s ever-growing ego and change in demeanor. It’s a surprisingly strong argument, until we flash back to Angie making fun of Mary’s fart, and it becomes clear the Patron Saint of Grudges has been holding one in ever since.
Still, the two come to a place of peace, something Lisa’s been unable to do with just about everyone. The stage is set for a Lisa confrontation on the yacht trip… and just in time, some news breaks about Bronwyn.
Our most harrowing Housewife has donned hellacious headbands and a horrific marriage for two years now, but she’s facing her biggest challenge yet. Lawsuits from her past—including alleged identity theft—have emerged to the surface, leaving the piranhas giddy at the sight of bloody cracks in the iced-over lake.
Bronwyn’s husband Todd has spotted it, too, and he’s urging her to exit the murky waters for good. It’s one thing for your trophy wife to have a vanity project. It’s a whole other thing when strangers dig up the skeletons in her closet, embarrassing you in front of your co-workers, which is the entire ethos of Housewives.
So, Bronwyn sits for a business meeting in a dimly lit bar in which she pleads with her boss not to take a hit out on her. Here, Todd really owns the mafioso aesthetic, spouting that he “wouldn’t p— on Lisa if her brain was on fire,” while urging Bronwyn to skip the cast trip—and quit her job, in the process. Of course, Bronwyn would rather quit her marriage than her job, even if she wouldn’t exactly say that, so she decides to go on the trip. These ladies may not like or trust her, but they aren’t the ones eating her maraschino cherry.
The question remains: Who will fare worse on the yacht, Lisa or Bronwyn? On one hand, the ladies are reveling in some gossip to knock their peer down a peg. On the other, they’re eager to assign these leaks to the woman in the cowboy hat. Only time will tell who emerges from the trip in one piece, if anyone does at all…
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