My beat around here on VICE is pretty wide. I cover a range of topics, with the latest in scientific research published in esteemed scientific journals being one of the most prominent.
But, every once in a while, I like to tell you about studies conducted by less reputable sources. Like the ones put out by places called Alan’s Factory Outlet, a company out of Virginia that makes “custom carports, garages, and metal buildings.”
According to their very real, oddly detailed “Bird Dropping Report,” there are certain cars that birds prefer to poop on.
The study surveyed 1,000 drivers across the U.S. and mashed up their poop assaults with legit ornithology research to uncover which cars are the most frequent targets. The unlucky winners are brown, red, and black cars. Lighter colors like white and silver are safer bets.
Is Your Car a Bird Poop Magnet?
Car brand also matters. Ram trucks lead the pack in s**t splatters, followed by Jeep, Chevy, Nissan, and Dodge. A fascinating aspect of the study is that it not only examined which cars are actually pooped on the most, but it also asked drivers about their perception of getting pooped on.
Some drivers were convinced the birds had it out for them. 47 percent of Lexus drivers, 39 percent of Tesla drivers, and 35 percent of Dodge drivers surveyed all said that birds were specifically targeting them—like a pigeon’s brother was killed by a Dodge Ram and now just sh**s on any Dodge Ram they find.
The funny thing is, only two of those brands cracked the top 10 of the most pooped on her brands, meaning their paranoia was unfounded.
The study found that parking spaces played a considerable role. Birds love perching on the power lines and tree branches above cars, so much so that more than half of the driver said their current parking setup doesn’t protect them from bird s**t, and nearly 40 percent admitted to walking an extra block to avoid high-risk poop zones.
Nearly 60 percent of respondents have paid for a car wash to deal with bird droppings. Some, especially Tesla and BMW owners, report spending over $500 annually on poop-related cleanups and repairs.
A full 11 percent have even suffered paint damage. I wonder if the high cost of getting your car professionally cleaned to remove bird poop is more about the fancy nests on the vehicle. If you’re driving an old poop box that gets frosted in bird excrement, you’re probably less inclined to give it a thorough professional scrub down than if you were driving an $80,000 luxury sedan.
Ultimately, the study doesn’t provide any revelatory information about how birds truly single out one car over another. If anything, it just reinforces the idea that we humans are locked in an eternal war against birds. Rich or poor, luxury sports car or hunk of s**t on wheels—it doesn’t matter.
The birds have it out for us all, and now the onus is on us to figure out some way to be able to poop on something they love as a proportional response.
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