Jon Levy is a behavioral psychologist whose work focuses on trust, human connection, and influence.
You don’t need perfect hair, a blue checkmark, or a loud personality to be popular. The people who are truly liked—the ones everyone wants on their team, in their friend group, or at their table—share just two habits.
Before I explain them, it helps to understand the work of psychologist Mitch Prinstein, who has spent more than twenty years studying what makes people popular. He’s found there are two kinds: status and likability.
Status is the kind of popularity built on power, dominance, or attention. Think of the high school archetype: the rich, the beautiful, the intimidating. They often get noticed—but not necessarily liked. In fact, studies show that people who depend on social power and status often experience more stress, anxiety, and relationship strain over time.
Likability is the opposite. It’s built on warmth, not power. It’s about how we make others feel. People who are most liked create a sense of belonging wherever they go. When someone leaves an interaction with you feeling happier, valued, and included, their brain literally associates you with safety and reward. It’s not manipulation—it’s biology.
It’s worth noting that status and likability aren’t mutually exclusive. A few rare people manage to have both, and use them well. Think of Tom Hanks or Oprah Winfrey. They have immense social status, but they don’t use it as a weapon. They use it as a tool to elevate others, to make people feel seen. Since most of us aren’t Oprah, it’s probably wise to focus on likability.
Likable people thrive across every setting. They’re hired more often, promoted faster, and tend to make more money. They also report higher happiness and fulfillment. Why? Because likability acts as a trust amplifier. When people feel connected to you, they’re willing to collaborate, share information, and give you the benefit of the doubt.
Here’s the good part: likability isn’t an inborn trait. It’s a behavior pattern, and anyone can learn it.
The people who are most liked share two consistent habits:
- They connect with people from all kinds of backgrounds, and
- They make those people feel liked in return.
That’s it.
1. Start with connection.
Most of us naturally stick close to people who are similar to us, but the most likable people connect across many social groups. In high school, they were the ones who could find common ground with the band kids, the AV club, and the football team. At work, they connect with the intern and the executive, the quiet coworker and the office social butterfly. If you want to stand out, expand your orbit. Every new bridge you build increases your influence—not because you’re collecting people, but because you’re creating links where others didn’t bother.
“Likability isn’t an inborn trait. It’s a behavior pattern, and anyone can learn it.”
You can start doing this today. At your next meeting or social gathering, make a point to talk with someone outside your usual circle. Invite the person from accounting to lunch with your friends. Check in with the intern to see how they’re adjusting. Chat with the IT folks—the ones everyone relies on but rarely thanks. Ask a genuine question about their perspective: “How did you get into this?” or “What’s been surprising about your work lately?” If you’re in a group, look for the person hanging back and bring them in—“Hey, I think you might have a good take on this.”
These tiny invitations make a disproportionate impact. They tell people, “You belong here.”
2. Show people you like them.
The second piece is simpler, but it takes intention: show people you like them. Not through big performances, but through small signals that say, “I see you.” It’s in telling the team member who put together the PowerPoint presentation that you really appreciate their creative style. It’s telling the coworker who builds furniture how impressive it is that they have such a hands-on craft. It’s thanking the office party planner for making sure everyone feels included. Noticing what’s important to people—and what they put effort into—says “you matter.”
“The key is realizing that being liked isn’t about having status—it’s about showing people why they are liked.”
You can also build this muscle through small habits. Remember details from conversations and bring them up later. Ask follow-up questions. Offer specific compliments instead of generic praise. Mirror the energy you want to receive—listen fully, make eye contact, nod to show engagement. When someone mentions a personal detail, check in about it later: “How’s your dog doing?” or “Did that project turn out the way you hoped?” These moments seem small, but they form the foundation of trust.
The key is realizing that being liked isn’t about having status—it’s about showing people why they are liked.
Let’s be clear: it doesn’t mean pleasing everyone or pretending to be endlessly cheerful. It’s about noticing people and making them feel valued. The more you practice it, the easier it becomes—and the stronger your social web grows. The irony is that chasing popularity rarely works, but giving it away almost always does. When you help others feel seen, you stop performing for approval and start building trust. And that’s the kind of popularity that actually lasts.
Jon Levy is a renowned behavioral psychologist, a New York Times best-selling author, and the founder of the Influencers Dinner. This excerpt is adapted from his latest book, Team Intelligence: How Brilliant Leaders Unlock Collective Genius.
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