How many times have you stayed with a partner simply because the sex was good? Whether knowingly or not, you might’ve partaken in a toxic tendency called “glueing.” Here’s what you should know about the harmful dating trend.
What Is ‘Glueing’?
Glueing essentially involves staying in an unhealthy or unfulfilling relationship strictly for the physical connection. In other words, your sex life is the “glue” keeping you together.
“The glue of sexual chemistry is what keeps people in relationships with other reasons to stay that aren’t going right,” says Whitney Willborn, LCSW, Licensed Clinical Social Worker at BasePoint BreakThrough. “While it can be an intensely strong feeling at times while you are being intimate, there often will also be times when communication, trust, compatibility, and emotional support for each other are always missing from your relationship.”
Of course, the sexual chemistry isn’t the only part of the puzzle here. For many people, especially women, sex allows us to feel close to a partner. This can give us a false sense of emotional safety despite the relationship lacking such qualities.
This is especially harmful in the early stages of a relationship. For example, let’s say you’re still getting to know someone while choosing to sleep with them. If you experience deep sexual chemistry off the bat, you might mistake it for actual compatibility, overlooking red flags like inconsistency, misaligned values, and even disrespect.
“Chemistry can often create confusion in determining whether or not there are potential risks of developing an unhealthy relationship,” says Willborn. “You could have incredible sex and some amazing chemistry, yet still find that you’re emotionally incompatible.”
The same goes for exes: how often do people return to their ex-partners merely for the sex, hindering their healing process and ultimately ending up in the same predicament yet again?
“Chemistry and/or great sexual attraction may cause two individuals to reconnect/come back together,” says Willborn. “However, it does not solve long-standing issues which both parties refuse to address.”
How to Break the Cycle of Glueing
One of the best—and really only—ways to break the cycle of glueing is by putting distance between yourself and your ex. The more you engage in the cycle, the more addictive it will likely feel. Unfortunately, you might need to let yourself go through the emotional withdrawals as your brain heals. Over time, you’ll begin to see your relationship more clearly rather than through the lens of sex and pleasure.
“Look at your relationship outside of the bedroom,” says Willborn. “Think about how you usually feel when there are no major issues (or conflicts) in your life. Consider putting a little space between you physically and see if this helps clarify your evaluation of the whole relationship rather than just the most passionate or exciting time you had together.”
Be patient with yourself through this process. Sex is a powerful form of connection, especially between two people who share a deep and passionate bond. But don’t confuse good sex with a healthy relationship.
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