I’m an H.I.V.-positive gay man who is distraught with where the country is headed, so I am actively participating in protests. I have a liberal friend who lives in an overwhelmingly Trump-supporting small town and is married to a Trump supporter. She messages me often about her fears of what is going on and seems equally distraught. I’ve shared with her how current politics could affect my life and how, although I’m very aware of my privilege, I’m concerned about people who aren’t as privileged and how they could be affected. But she doesn’t participate in protests and doesn’t like to actively show her views except on social media. There are protests in small towns close to her that could use her support. Once, there was a B.L.M. protest in her town, but she had ceiling fans being installed. She passed on another recent protest because she had a birthday party. She has never participated and I’m getting increasingly annoyed. I think it’s important to show up. I also know that everyone is different, so I’m trying to reconcile this. She comes off to me as someone who’s comfortable in her life and doesn’t want to shake anything up, which is the height of hypocrisy to me.
I feel like apathy is how we got here in the first place, and I’m really struggling with how and whether to keep people like this in my life. — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
It’s not just that everyone is different; it’s that different people are differently situated. For people who live in our great urban centers, protests of the kind you evoke are about as contentious as an ice cream social. They’re cost-free. Most people you know will be pleased to see you out there. For her, in a small Trump-supporting town, it’s another story. Neighbors who see her at a protest are neighbors she’ll see at the supermarket and the school board. That could mean living with their disapproval; it could also mean ostracism. And unlike in cities, where numbers can swell to visibility, protests in small, homogeneous towns may achieve little beyond reinforcing the majority’s sense that the minority is odd or out of step.
Is it fair to call her a hypocrite? Hypocrisy means professing beliefs you don’t hold. She shares your views but confronts some very different costs when it comes to public action. And then, because she’s married to a Trump supporter, those costs run right through her daily life. She may also see that there are other, sometimes more effective ways to persuade. Research on what’s called “deep canvassing” shows that half-hour conversations — listening first, inviting people to think about their views, sharing your own experience — can shift attitudes in a way that slogans and signs seldom do. (By contrast, a large-scale study of data from 2017 to 2022 came to the discouraging conclusion that, when it comes to U.S. electoral politics, protests mainly failed to change minds or voting preferences.) Simply being a person to whom others feel safe expressing their doubts can make a difference. In that light, choosing low-key conversations over public performance could count as another strategy, and perhaps a better one.
You say apathy got us here; some researchers would say that condescension played a part. The political scientist Katherine Cramer, for example, has explored how rural resentment has been fueled by perceptions of urban disdain. As you ask whether to keep people like your low-key friend in your life, I fear that the failure of empathy here is on your side. Your small-town friend may have assessed her circumstances more carefully than you give her credit for. Maybe the question is whether she should keep someone in her life who refuses to consider that possibility.
Readers Respond
The previous question was from a reader who was torn about whether to continue to support an animal shelter that mistreats its employees and may have questionable fund-raising practices. The reader wrote:
“My husband and I support several animal charities and shelters in our area, mostly through financial donations. While most seem well run, one in particular has raised concerns. It has been in the local news for mistreating staff members and volunteers. This same shelter also does a great deal of fund-raising. We have sponsored animals before, but recently I received a mailing saying the animal we sponsored had been adopted. Later, I saw that same animal still listed as available on the shelter’s website. When I asked about it, I was told a third-party mailing vendor had sent the notice based on an anticipated adoption that didn’t happen because of unforeseen medical issues. Here’s my dilemma: I want to continue supporting the animals at this shelter, because they are well cared for, but I’m uncomfortable with the leadership’s behavior toward the staff and the misleading fund-raising practices. If I stop donating, the animals lose; if I continue, I feel I’m enabling questionable practices. I’d appreciate your guidance.” —Name Withheld
In his response, the Ethicist noted:
“You’re right not to want to subsidize an institutional culture that sits poorly with you. Why not transfer your support to another place? There’s no shortage of animals that could use help. Neither, fortunately, does there seem to be a shortage of shelters and rescue groups doing excellent work, with real transparency and respect for their staff. Backing a better one would let you stay true to your values while still supporting the kinds of animals you care about. … And maybe, on the way out the door, you could push that troubled shelter to do better by explaining why you’re leaving.”
(Reread the full question and answer here.)
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If donors withdraw their support from the shelter, employees could lose their jobs and volunteers could lose a place where their service matters. The better advice would have been to communicate the poor treatment of staff and volunteers to the board while still supporting the institution. Make sure the full board knows of the mistreatment. Often alliances between a nonprofit’s executive director and its board president can prevent important issues from being raised, so write individual letters to each board member. It is important for staff and volunteers to know someone is advocating for them. — Carolyn
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The letter writer should talk to the management of the shelter and find out what the plan is for improving workers’ treatment. They should not be afraid to withhold their support, and even organizing others to do so too. Simply moving their support elsewhere does nothing to resolve the underlying issue. — Tim
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I volunteer at an animal shelter that is frequently maligned on social media because of past practices that have largely been remedied by new management. It’s pretty common that animals are adopted and returned in short order because of unforeseen issues or because a new owner isn’t willing to give a shelter animal time to settle in. I’d give the shelter the benefit of the doubt on this, rather than assuming the mailer was sent fraudulently. The shelters and animals they care for need every penny of support they can get. — Cathy
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As a longtime volunteer with a rescue organization that is made up only of volunteers, I have strong feelings about this question. No, do not support an organization that is poorly managed, because it is wasting the money you donate. There are countless smaller rescues that put every dollar to work helping animals directly, with no waste on overhead and bad management. If you still want to donate to larger shelters, ask one of these smaller organizations which shelter uses contributions most effectively. We deal with these shelters constantly, and we know how the reality differs from their marketing and fund-raising appeals. — Ann
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If a newspaper reports poor treatment of the staff, it would make sense to stop supporting the shelter. Has the letter writer questioned management about the these issues and expressed a reluctance to keep supporting the shelter for that reason? That may inspire them to get their act together. — Bev
Kwame Anthony Appiah is The New York Times Magazine’s Ethicist columnist and teaches philosophy at N.Y.U. To submit a query, send an email to [email protected].
The post My Liberal Friend Won’t Protest. Do I Drop Her? appeared first on New York Times.
