One of my oldest friends behaves in a way that’s really hurtful toward my wife. The difficult part is that it always happens when I’m not around, so I don’t see it firsthand, but I do see how shaken and upset my wife is afterward.
His own wife has noticed, too — she once apologized after he made a remark in front of her, although she admitted there wasn’t much she could do.
The situation comes up most often when he and his wife visit us at our countryside house. My wife has worked extremely hard to make that place beautiful and welcoming — preparing meals, setting up rooms, creating a warm atmosphere.
He not only makes unpleasant comments, but also never offers to help with anything, even when other guests do. On one occasion, when others gently encouraged him to contribute, he “joked” about teaching my wife a lesson since she’s “usually got a maid to clean up after her.” My wife found that remark demeaning, and so did two friends who witnessed it.
There have also been comments about our children — implying that because we are well-off, they’ll turn out spoiled or lazy.
We’re all in our 50s. My wife and I have both had fulfilling careers. He hasn’t had the same experience, and I sense that some of his behavior stems from resentment or jealousy. He’s never crossed a boundary like this with me directly, but with my wife it’s become a pattern.
I feel stuck. On the one hand, he’s been a good friend for many years and I don’t want to cut him out of my life. On the other, I cannot allow my wife to be treated this way any longer. What can I do?
From the Therapist: How challenging to be in a situation where protecting someone you love means potentially losing someone you’ve cared about for decades. But instead of viewing this situation as a struggle between your wife and your friendship, you might think of it as a struggle between two different kinds of loyalty. There’s loyalty to the past, and there’s loyalty to your values.
Put simply, the choice you’re facing is between enabling cruelty or stopping it. That’s not disloyalty to your friendship — it’s the most loyal thing you could do. It’s giving your friend the chance to be better before he loses something irreplaceable: your respect, and ultimately, your close relationship.
It’s important to notice the dynamics here. Directing the cutting remarks at your wife but not at you suggests not only insensitivity but also a calculation. Your friend is choosing the potentially safer person — someone less likely to confront him directly. Meanwhile, by remaining silent, you’re inadvertently becoming complicit in his treatment of her.
Your theory may well be true — maybe your friend feels diminished by the difference in your careers, your homes and your family lives. Midlife disappointments can become destructive when left unchecked, especially for men who measure themselves against their peers’ achievements. But the existence of his envy doesn’t entitle him to offload it on your wife. People carry envy all the time. Most find ways to metabolize it that don’t involve humiliation of others. While empathy for his disappointments can help you understand the root of his behavior, it shouldn’t excuse the harm it’s causing.
If you find his treatment of your wife unacceptable (and it sounds like you do), then it’s time to talk to your friend directly about his behavior, without putting your wife in the middle. The conversation should be calm, private and nonnegotiable. You might say something like:
Our long friendship means a lot to me, and there’s something important I need to talk to you about. You’ve been making comments to my wife that I find insulting and out of line. If these comments are coming from an issue in our friendship or something in your life that I’m not aware of, I’d really like to address that and hear what’s going on. I want to be here for you and listen if something is bothering you. It just can’t be expressed through these jabs. If we are going to maintain our friendship — and I very much want that, which is why I’m bringing this up — then these comments have to stop now.
The key is that you’re interested in discussing any underlying issues in your friendship or his life, but you aren’t debating the nature of the comments. It’s not “Did you mean it that way?” or “My wife doesn’t like it when …” It’s: “To me, these comments are unacceptable.” If your friend deflects, minimizes, calls it “joking” or says your wife is too sensitive, you might be tempted to let it slide in the moment. But remember that your goal is to set a clear expectation for the friendship going forward.
This conversation might lead to a deeper friendship, where vulnerabilities are shared and authentic, direct communication becomes its hallmark. Most strong friendships can survive honest conversations about harmful behavior. A true friend would be receptive to the idea that he’s causing pain, and would immediately course correct.
But if the friendship erodes under the weight of his resentment, clarity is still better than the uneasy limbo you’ve been in, and it’s better than leaving your wife to receive and navigate his hostility alone.
No matter what happens, it might help to think about this conversation as a necessary recalibration. Losing this friendship would be painful and sad, but not all friendships survive every life stage intact. Some shrink to occasional check-ins. Some end quietly. Some revive years later on different terms. And some become much closer and richer after working through an issue such as this one.
Want to Ask the Therapist? If you have a question, email [email protected]. By submitting a query, you agree to our reader submission terms. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.
Lori Gottlieb is a psychotherapist and the author of the best-selling book “Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.” She offers readers advice on life’s tough questions in the “Ask the Therapist” column.
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