My brother was briefly a Marine. After years of drug and alcohol abuse that began in his teens, he enlisted impulsively in his late 20s. But after graduating from boot camp, he relapsed while on leave, deserted his post and was dishonorably discharged. So, he never actually served in the military. Still, his boot-camp graduation portrait remains the central display above my parents’ mantel. I wonder about its appropriateness. My brother has other accomplishments that are worthy of celebration — earning his high school equivalency diploma and stretches of sobriety, for instance — but my parents seem uninterested in those. Should I discuss this photo of what seems to be a low moment in his life with my parents? My brother’s stance is that if our parents like it, who cares?
DAUGHTER
I would drop your push to remove the portrait of your brother. Your parents must be fond of it to give it pride of place above the mantel, and it is their home, after all. Your brother seems not to be troubled by it. So, you are the only person keeping this issue alive: not the homeowner, and not the subject of the photograph. This seems striking to me.
For starters, I disagree with your characterization of the portrait. Whether your brother enlisted in the Marines impulsively or after long deliberation, he did something that relatively few of us do: He volunteered to serve his country. And regardless of his subsequent service, I struggle to see how his completion of boot camp — a famously rigorous program — could be characterized as a “low moment” in any life.
Now, I, too, have a brother who — for a period, anyway — took up all the oxygen in our family with his difficult behavior. It was maddening and exhausting, and if your experience was like mine, I sympathize with you. But removing your brother’s portrait as the “central display” above the mantel will not right the imbalance of your family’s attentions during your brother’s troubled years. You will have to work on that yourself — perhaps with a therapist. And if I’m wrong, and this is just about the portrait, let it go.
Generosity That Doesn’t End at the Unwrapping
My girlfriend and I enjoy splurging on gifts for each other — buying things that we would never buy for ourselves. For her birthday, I gave her a luxury handbag. And with my encouragement, she is exchanging it for a larger, more expensive model. I would like to pay the difference. (The bigger bag is still within the price range of our previous gifts.) But I would hate for my offer to make her hesitant about speaking up in the future about exchanging gifts — for fear that I will want to pay the difference. How should I handle this?
Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.
Thank you for your patience while we verify access.
Already a subscriber? Log in.
Want all of The Times? Subscribe.
The post My Brother Was Dishonorably Discharged. Why Is His Military Portrait Up? appeared first on New York Times.
