A woman with whom I have been friendly for 20 years lives with her husband a mile away from me. Her husband uses a house in my neighborhood that he inherited from his grandparents as a home office. For two years, this woman has lamented to me about her husband’s demanding schedule of work travel. He’s at home only on weekends. The problem: I see his distinctive sports car parked on a side street near my house and clear signs of life at his grandparents’ house at all hours while he claims to be traveling for work. I know he’s not out of town, and I feel sad that he lies to my friend about where he is. Should I tell her what he’s up to?
TRUTH TELLER
I would invite you to reconsider this story. It seems unlikely to me that this woman needs you to tell her that her husband, who has claimed to be on weeklong business trips for years, is actually staying at his home office a mere mile away and parking his distinctive car right on the street. It’s more plausible to me that she already knows these easily discovered facts and simply chooses not to discuss her marital arrangements with you. Or perhaps she isn’t yet ready to confront the issue herself.
I don’t think you would be doing her any favors by sharing your observations with her. In my experience, it is not necessary — and, in fact, is often unwise — to tell people everything we know simply because we know it. Friendship requires greater discernment than that.
Now, if I am mistaken, and you are closer to this woman than your letter suggests — “a woman with whom I have been friendly” does not scream B.F.F. to me — or if you continue to believe that the wife is being bamboozled by her husband’s weeklong stays in plain sight, then follow your conscience and tell her. But personally, I would stay out of the nuts and bolts of her marriage until she solicits your input.
A Loving Misstep, but Still a Misstep
At a wedding recently, I told my 16-year-old granddaughter that her 35-year-old cousin was adopted — like her. My granddaughter ran to her cousin and started a conversation. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but there was laughter and smiling. The next day, my daughter-in-law told me that the cousin wondered how I knew she was adopted and why I told my granddaughter. I had no idea it was confidential! I apologized to my daughter-in-law. Should I apologize to her cousin, too?
Thank you for your patience while we verify access. If you are in Reader mode please exit and log into your Times account, or subscribe for all of The Times.
Thank you for your patience while we verify access.
Already a subscriber? Log in.
Want all of The Times? Subscribe.
The post Should I Tell an Acquaintance That Her Husband Is Leading a Double Life? appeared first on New York Times.
