There are going to be a thousand think pieces about Pete Hegseth’s weird war pep rally. The newly christened Secretary of War (and sorry, bro, but “secretary” doesn’t sound very alpha) took to the flag-bedecked stage for a 45-minute stemwinder that was less George F. Patton and more QVC host.
In his address, Hegseth laid out a “back to basics” role for the U.S. military. Some will certainly praise him for his reconception of our armed forces from a Swiss army knife of conflict, peacekeeping, nation-building and the occasional deployment to garden in our nation’s capital to a more singular group whose “only mission is this: war-fighting.”
It begins with “culture,” he told the room. The culture of warfighters doing war-fighting stuff without worrying about such niceties as “rules of engagement.” No more “political correctness.” The Geneva Convention is for sissies, so if you happen to disregard it, don’t worry about it.
Hegseth made a lot of claims about the degradation of our armed services, but provided no evidence to suggest that the third largest military force on the planet has, in any way, had its mission threatened by broadening its service opportunities. Instead, he made vague allusions to our need to “do better.” Do better at what, or than what?
Last I checked, we’re still pretty good at blowing s–t up. In many contexts, his agenda seemed to be one of aesthetics. He talked about how he doesn’t want to see “fat” soldiers. “A bad look,” he told them. He invoked a “new Golden Rule” for the military, declaring: “Do unto your unit what you would have done unto your own child’s unit.”
But I wouldn’t want my children to serve in Hegseth’s military, a military which doesn’t see value in those who wish to serve, meet the requirements, but don’t conform to how Hegseth thinks soldiers should be.
He began his address with the suggestion that America is on the brink of some kind of Armageddon. “This is a moment of urgency—mounting urgency,” he told the room. “Enemies gather. Threats grow.” Which enemies? Which threats? In this second reign of Burger King, I’m not exactly sure who our enemies even are. Denmark? Drag queens? Windmills FOR SURE!!!
Really, the only threat I’m feeling right now is a threat from this administration. And I know I’m not crazy because right after Hegseth spoke, Trump took the stage and indicated that he believed America’s greatest enemy is—and I know you’ll be shocked to learn this—Americans.
Trump suggested that, soon, many of the generals in the room would be conducting operations in American cities to fight “the enemy within.” Where have we heard words like that before? Senator Joseph McCarthy, rise from your sodden grave and come get yer boy.
Look, I’m just a basic cable comedian so I’m not going to sit here and pretend I understand military culture. What I can say, though, is that Hegseth’s vision of our armed forces seems at odds with my understanding of what American warfighters actually do—which, increasingly, seems like it has less and less to do with hand-to-hand combat and more to do with planning, logistics, cyber dominance and drone technology.
I’m sure we need rough-and-ready Rambo types who do the rough work so soft boys like me can sleep easy in our beds. But I suspect we need fewer and fewer of them, and more and more folks who know how to slaughter a spreadsheet. Perhaps an opportunity for the many women who Hegseth believes are fundamentally unable to serve in combat positions, then.
In his speech, Hegseth compared his vision for the department to the “broken windows” theory of crime prevention, which holds that when you constantly fix the small stuff, the little problems never have an opportunity to grow into big ones. The problem is, he never identified what he saw as the big problems that need fixing, relying instead on buzzwords like “DEI.”
Did DEI share battle plans with an Atlantic reporter?
I can’t imagine how galling it must have been for at least some of the generals and admirals to sit there and listen to a former Fox News host lecturing them about their roles as professional military personnel. Keep in mind, Hegseth was the guy flagged by his fellow service member as a potential “insider threat” due to his “Deus vult” bicep tattoo, a phrase used in the First Crusades and, more recently, picked up by far-right and neo-Nazi groups. Do Hegseth’s new grooming standards apply to Nazi tats, I wonder?
Hegseth concluded with a prayer, one he says he has repeated often since taking his new role. I don’t doubt his sincerity, but I doubt everything else about the man—beginning with his intellect.
Hegseth seems to want to run his War Department on manly vibes, which probably seemed pretty cool when he was practicing his sales pitch in the mirror, but which came across as a vacuous exercise in vanity when delivered to the troops. Move out, he said, and draw fire. Though when the going gets tough, I think it’s safe to predict that Hegseth will either hit the floor or hit the bottle.
Either way, I also pray for the military. For their safety, yes, but also for ours.
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