What’s scarier than Lisa Barlow with a gun? Lisa Barlow with a poster board, evidently.
In the world of reality TV, you can fall, get flustered, and fly off the handle at a moment’s notice, but you’re never quite gone for good. After suffering a major loss—against a “gout d—” fanatic, no less—you might have expected Lisa to slink off to the sidelines. But that’s not quite the Baby Gorgeous mantra. She doesn’t go low—she goes the distance.
After all, The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City may pace itself like a sprint, but this is a marathon. The Shahrrest was just the second mile, and the never-ending loop of chaos won’t slow down for anyone. That’s especially true for Lisa, who’s always facing one battle after another, just like her good friend Leo.
Lisa spent the first episode schmoozing with her other pals Blake and Ben, and she’s eager to welcome some more name brands to her Vida Lounge (“Ramsey” Youssef, even!), but for now, she’ll have to slum it with the Salts. That means it’s time to address the nasty rumors bobbing around in the only way Lisa knows how: a lawsuit luncheon in a Kyle Richards hat.
Lisa’s heard it all—from “giving blowies for Jazz tickets” to the alleged suffering in the Vida Tequila mines (impossible, given tequila isn’t mined, by the way). The newest rumor that she “owes hundreds of thousands” and “had a mystery man pay her debts without her husband knowing” has hardly even registered. Her meltdown last week was simply performance art.
Lisa crosses her t’s with lawyers, and she dots her i’s, you see. That’s Housewife speak for, “Yes, I’ve been sued a plethora of times over shady business practices, but the American business system is too structurally incompetent for me to suffer.” See: our president.
Regardless, if the ladies are going to talk, Lisa’s happy to give them something to talk about. So, as Angie sits down for Greek heritage day with her dad and Bronwyn gets scolded by her parents (one of which is her husband, Todd), Lisa takes up target practice. The visuals of Lisa Barlow shooting skeet are simply wonderful, as is the line: “Some people are so willing to stab me in the back. I’m sure they wouldn’t have a problem shooting me, either.”
With that said, Lisa leaves behind the women she’s worried will murder her—Angie K., Whitney, Bronwyn, and her best friend and sister for life, Britani—while inviting the others (including everyone’s favorite Utah socialite, Amy!) to shoot skeet. Sad, Britani spent the entire premiere laying down her life for Lisa only to be shafted to the “D-team.” It just goes to show what a cruel world we live in. Everyone hates the pretty girl.
The ladies don’t take too kindly to the spectacle, unsurprisingly. A recently neutral Heather avows that this is the exact kind of tactic that makes it so hard to defend Lisa, while Bronwyn bobs her head around, dismissing it all as uncredible. I mean, there isn’t even a reporter from the Salt Lake Tribune here to cover it! Bronwyn’s already well-aware that most of these lawsuits have, in fact, been dismissed, and she’s even more aware one claim remains to be litigated.
“What does it clarify? Dismissed, dismissed, dismissed, dismissed!” Lisa claims.
“Dismissed because you paid them back or dismissed because they were fake?” Bronwyn asks.
Lisa replies, “No, dismissed because it’s none of your f—ing business.”
As far as rallying the women to her side goes, this luncheon is a major fail. It turns out you have to do more than slam “DISMISSED” onto a billboard with photos of you on a yacht to turn the tides. Lisa’s main support comes in a mumbling Meredith, while one true ally, Amy the Utah socialite, is sure to disappear in the coming weeks, as her audition to join the cast falls right by the wayside. We only have room for one sycophantic friend-of the Housewives, and her name is Britani Bateman.
As far as entertaining the masses, though, Lisa’s lawsuit luncheon could not be more successful. It’s so funny to watch her rant about what a “fanciful tale” all these lawsuits are while everyone sits across from her, blinking in confusion. The simple truth is the best tactic in life is to throw so many things at the wall that no one even knows what to say or do. Lisa’s abrasive approach is the kind of cacophony almost unintelligible to the average person, but it sings like a lullaby to me.
In the end, everyone remains exactly where they began, except for Amy, who will never be seen again. Angie’s fighting half-heartedly about lawsuits while worrying about her daughter’s indifference to Greece; Britani wants to know if Angie’s brow girl is the same one who started that rumor about Jared Osmond; and Whitney simply doesn’t see how anything Lisa says proves her innocence. Poster boards may make for an iconic moment, but a persuasive argument they do not make (see: the Potomac poster board of despair).
Maybe she’s right. Maybe Lisa is guilty of being too pretty and perfect (that’s what she said, isn’t it?). But the truth is, after six years of squabbling, neither Whitney or Lisa have any interest in listening to the other, or offering any benefit of the doubt. Case in point: Lisa calling Whitney “you disgusting redhead” to which Whitney replies, “Oh, redneck!?” Though, to be fair, Lisa’s actual jab might be more insulting. Whitney kind of had her back like a real sister.
Though, that beautiful moment of sisterhood quickly devolves as the conversation deflects to Whitney’s own business failures. In a huff, the Wild Rose storms out of the room, triggered beyond belief. All together, it’s kind of impressive Lisa managed to beat the others down so effectively after falling head first into goutphobia last week.
Whether or not she’s the tortoise or the hare depends on how delusional you are, as it’s hard to crown anyone a winner in such a dystopian world. So I won’t.
Thus, yet another episode of RHOSLC ends in a screaming rage, proving these women know nothing but unmitigated chaos. With that, you’re all dismissed.
The post Welcome to the Unhinged Real Housewives Lawsuit Luncheon appeared first on The Daily Beast.
