Despite all the rhëumurs and nastiness, the rapture didn’t come and The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City has lived to see another day. With that comes one of the most brutal episodes in the show’s sordid history, as Lisa Barlow makes her grand return to the fold, immediately reconciling with her foes in the calm, collected manner we’ve come to expect of her.
Naturally, that means she bulldozed the entire cast at some socialite named Amy’s party, lobbing so many insults at Bronwyn Newport, you’d think the queen of the bob was Britani Bateman or something.
It all starts with the women alive and well after a night of debauchery on the camping trip. What exactly happened the night before? Well, nothing. Someone in production just loves The Blair Witch Project a bit too much. This show is full of wild imaginations, both on and off the screen, given the folklore tale of Molly Sorenson is about as real as Heather Gay’s new teeth.
Alas, after a night playing pretend that the show can go on without Lisa Barlow, the women are back to begging the top shelf diva for just a sip. When you take cheap shots, as they say…
Heather sits down with Lisa, doing what she does, stirring the pot with a smile and a wave. Heather just loves presenting outrageous information as though it won’t poke the bear, and I love her for it. So, she nonchalantly lets Lisa know that the trip devolved into a Lisa Barlow lawsuit listicle. Bummer!
Lisa, of course, doesn’t care even a little: “Anyone with half a brain would know a dismissed lawsuit is nothing. It’s dismissed. No one sues the bottom. They all go for the top.” That last phrase will reverberate for years on gay Housewives Twitter, as is often the case with Lisa Barlow vernacular. I loooove that!
Realizing everyone except her amazing friend Heather’s out to get her, Lisa breaks down in tears—not because she cares. She’s totally fine. Unlike some people in this group, Lisa Barlow has a life. She doesn’t go home every day to suck “gout d—.” But she might be going home to someone who isn’t her husband, if you believe the tea leaves planted by none other than Whitney Wild Rose.
Newly red-haired, Whitney’s going much more for a Sydney Andrew energy rather than classing it up a la Bree Van de Kamp (some soap opera references to pay respects to the shows that paved the way for these gout girls). She’s even taken Bronwyn under her wing, simply to charge Ms. Mouse Ears up and set her loose. Whitney loves a convenient friendship, as her short-lived treatise with Lisa shows.
Does John Barlow really not know that Lisa had been loaned money from a “Park City mystery man?” Is there even a Park City mystery man? Maybe, maybe not. But now, it’s out there. If you create enough smoke, you might just manifest a fire.
That’s really been Bronwyn’s M.O. from the jump, and it’s kept her firmly in the mess. But it’s also kept the alphas at arms length with her, as seen in her stumbles with Heather. Both women are overly calculated confessional warriors, and neither is interested in giving up the narrator role.
So, when Heather says she’s excited for empty nester life and Bronwyn responds “Oh, I’m worried about that,” Heather takes it as a dig. When Heather tells Bronwyn to cut out the word salad, it’s received as a double-standard attack, given Heather’s friendship with Lisa. They’re just too similar. I mean, it wasn’t long ago that Heather was blinded by her own rage toward Lisa.
But nothing stays the same for too long in Salt Lake City. Now, Heather is proud to stand by Lisa’s side as the Barlegend cuts down everyone in her way. That’s certainly less scary a place to be, given Lisa’s officially evolved to “Nene Leakes villain music” when she arrives at the event.
The host may be this Amy lady, but Lisa immediately takes the throne. First, she floats to Meredith to ask what happened, before her new favorite minion, Britani, dishes it all. In a group as exorbitantly messy as this, it’s nice to have a bone-carrier like Britani who will say “she compared you to Jen Shah!” so eagerly. She takes her craft very seriously.
Thus, Lisa’s off, charging at Angie, while dismissing Whitney and Bronwyn. She knows a center snowflake when she sees one. Of course, Angie has earned that spot by solid maneuvering, immediately punting the blame to Bronwyn, who giddily jumps in the conversation, to Lisa’s disdain.
Bronwyn begins to beg for a fight, and she gets one. She says things about Lisa allegedly cheating on her husband and owing men millions, while Lisa calls out Bronwyn’s loveless marriage with a man with a “gout d—.” That’s just par for the course at Amy’s Saturday Social, of course.
“I’m a d— sucker, now!” Bronwyn declares, before Lisa clarifies: “gout d—.” Don’t get it twisted. Lisa Barlow has no issue with fellatio. She simply is ageist, like her good friends on The Real Housewives of Miami.
The women both leave the conversation enraged, while pretending to be perfectly unbothered. With that, Season 6 of RHOSLC is off to the races, proving Bravo’s nastiest show has no need to change course anytime soon. Next week, Lisa will host a press conference with no press, making very clear exactly what’s going on with all her lawsuits. And that’s why she’s the star of the show.
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