While parenting has always been challenging, raising kids in today’s world is uniquely stressful. In addition to balancing work and family life, parents are anxious about the state of the world, their finances, and their children’s safety and mental health.
With so much to worry about, parental stress has reached a fever pitch. A 2023 survey found that nearly 50% of parents felt completely overwhelmed, almost daily.
As psychotherapists who focus on emotions, we know that stress spreads. Children can quickly detect their parent’s stress by the tone in their voice or the expression on their face, such as a furrowed brow or a scowl. Letting out a heavy sigh is also a sign.
The ability to catch another person’s emotions is known as “emotional contagion.” When children observe their parent’s distress, the brain’s mirror neurons activate, causing levels of the stress hormone cortisol to spike. All of this happens in an instant, often without conscious awareness.
Since children rely on their parents for safety and care, their brains are wired to pay attention to their caregiver’s stress levels. It’s necessary for survival. Exposure to ongoing, high levels of stress can affect a child’s behavior, attention span, and ability to temper their own emotions.
While stress can’t be stopped, parents can prevent it from rubbing off on their kids. It begins with befriending their own emotions—and exercising awareness to stay calm amid life’s chaos. Here’s how.
Acknowledge stress and ground yourself in the moment
To relieve stress, it’s important to acknowledge it and take thoughtful action.
To prevent stress from crescendoing, we encourage parents to focus on the “here and now.” Simply observe your surroundings and identify one thing you see and one thing you hear.
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This practice helps you step out of your head, where rumination and worry fuel stress, pulling you away from the present. Research shows that engaging the senses fosters bodily awareness, which helps regulate stress. Anchoring in the moment helps parents stay grounded. This tells children that even when difficulties arise, you can take charge of your response, which is empowering.
Slow down the body
Stress manifests in the body. Many parents we’ve worked with notice tension in their shoulders or pressure in their chest.
Take one parent we know—we’ll call him Chris—who recently lost his job. Like most parents, he tried to shield his kids from his stress. He kept up with their daily routine and took them to school and the park.
But they sensed their dad’s struggles. Chris’s kids noticed how his smile melted into a frown. They also picked up on his impatience when he walked the dog or cleaned the kitchen. Instead of his usual calm demeanor, Chris did these chores with jerky, fast movements. And even when he told his kids, “I’m not upset,” they noticed his gruff tone.
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The next time you feel like Chris, pause and check in with your body.
Simply take 60 seconds to slow down. Feel your feet on the ground. Take five deep, elongated breaths, letting your stomach pop out like a Buddha. Slowly exhale, pursing your lips like you’re blowing on a hot spoonful of soup.
When stress spikes, the idea of taking a deep breath can seem like a futile life hack. However, research shows that deep belly breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, which elicits the body’s relaxation response. As a result, stress hormones decrease, and relief follows.
Name your emotions
Stress never stands alone; it shares the spotlight with other emotions. However, since our society doesn’t teach us how to name and validate our feelings, we learn to block and suppress them.
Parents may drink an extra glass of wine, avoid a tough conversation, or judge themselves harshly when they’re stressed. These behaviors are protective defenses that shield us from emotions that seem unbearable.
Awareness is the first step in naming our emotions. With Chris and the other parents we work with, we provide a roadmap. It’s an emotional health tool we call the “Change Triangle,” which we, as parents, also use when stress arises.
Initially developed by David Malan for psychotherapists, I (Hilary) adapted it to help the general public. The Change Triangle enables you to identify your emotional state and guides you to calmer waters.
When Chris used the Change Triangle, he scanned his body from head to toe. He noticed how his heart was beating fast, and he felt propelled to run: two physical signs of fear. Chris realized that he feared losing his income, even though his severance would cover the bills for months. He also noticed a heaviness in his heart and pressure behind his eyes. Chris realized that along with fear, he also felt sad.
Fear and sadness are both core emotions. Fear alerts us to danger, while sadness tells us there’s something to mourn. Chris missed his work and coworkers. Once he named and validated his emotions, Chris felt a greater sense of relief, and his body felt calmer.
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Feeling more relaxed, he spoke to his children in a softer tone, and they experienced moments of joy together. Chris’s kids felt comforted by his presence, and when he told them “everything would be ok,” they believed him.
As parents, we’re advised to help our children “use their words” when their big feelings take over. But this practice empowers us, too. Putting language to our emotions is called “emotion naming,” and research shows it helps dial down their intensity.
Releasing emotions with adaptive actions
Core emotions are pre-wired in the brain to help us survive. They are not under conscious control. These emotions prompt us to take actions that benefit us. Examples include slowing down and seeking support when we’re sad, running from danger when fear is triggered, or setting boundaries when we’re angry.
By allowing himself to feel his emotions, Chris could identify what he needed. He took vigorous walks while listening to his favorite music and gave himself pep talks, reminding himself that his stress was temporary. Known as “state changers,” these techniques can help shift our emotional states. Other examples include taking a hot shower, exercising, and journaling.
By exercising these calming tools, Chris’s nervous system was no longer on high alert. And with his body in a more steady state, Chris was more patient, curious, and compassionate with his children, which helped them all feel more connected.
Acknowledging stress, slowing down, and naming your emotions helps you feel more relaxed. In a calmer state, your stress doesn’t come out sideways and upset your children. With this modeling, kids learn that stress can be successfully managed.
The post How to Keep Your Child Calm When You’re Stressed Out appeared first on TIME.
