As a psychologist, I know it’s normal for parents to get angry. Here’s how caregivers can handle their own big feelings.

• I’m a psychologist and co-author of a book with Hilary Jacobs Hendel, “Parents Have Feelings, Too.”
• I want parents to know that though it can lead to self-criticism, anger is a natural feeling.
• Recognizing and addressing anger can improve your own mental health and parent-child relationships.

It’s 5 p.m. and you’re trying to make dinner. Before you turn on the oven, your phone starts pinging, and your 8-year-old pleads for screen time. Meanwhile, your 4-year-old pulls the cat’s tail and starts screaming.

“Mom!” your oldest child yells, as if they have a megaphone.

Suddenly, your blood starts to boil, and your heart starts pounding. “Be quiet! Can’t you see that I’m busy?” you shout.

If parenting pushes you over the edge, you’re not alone. Research shows that the mental load of caregiving, especially on mothers can spark anger.

As a psychologist, I know that “raging out” can elicit shame, unleashing self-critical thoughts, such as “What kind of parent acts like this?” or “Why can’t I get it together?”

Anger, however, is not a character flaw. It’s an emotion that’s necessary for our survival. Anger protects us from being violated, insulted, or rejected — even by our kids. And when it comes to emotions, it’s the way we handle them that matters most.

Here are four ways I teach parents to work with their parental rage.

Notice how anger feels in your body

Take a moment and recall the last time your child really got under your skin. Note how that anger felt in your body. Perhaps your jaw felt tight or your voice got louder. Or maybe your heart sped up, or your body felt warm.

Anger presents differently in everyone, but awareness of these physical sensations can help you dial down the heat the next time you’re getting worked up.

When we recognize anger’s presence, we can take active steps to reset. Simply taking deep, belly breaths can calm the body’s nervous system, which can help tame angry feelings. Likewise, removing yourself from a conversation with your child that is escalating, can give you each a chance to cool off and reset before addressing the issue at hand.

Pay attention to anger’s impulse

Anger comes with roaring impulses. It often makes us want to yell, argue, and push back, especially when little kids get aggressive and bite or scratch. We may also feel this way when our teen slams doors or sasses back. These urges don’t make us cruel; they’re part of our biology. Just as fear helps us ward off danger, anger helps us set boundaries and stand up for ourselves.

The next time you feel furious, try to release anger’s energy in adaptive ways. If your child can be left alone for a minute, step out of the room and scream into a pillow, talk with a friend, or take a brisk walk. Blowing off steam, even for a few minutes, can stop us from taking it out on our kids.

Once the storm passes, you can return to your child and discuss what happened. Use age-appropriate language, such as “I got angry because no one was listening,” and avoid long explanations. Most importantly, if you said or did something regrettable, be sure to apologize. Repair maintains safe and secure relationships with our kids.

Name and validate your anger

Anger is a lot like a tantrumming toddler. The more we ignore it, the louder it roars.

Therefore, if you’re upset because your child talked back, wouldn’t listen, or hit their sibling (or for any other reason), take a moment to name and validate your anger.

Say to yourself, “I am angry!” Simply verbalizing our anger has the power to calm down the brain’s amygdala, providing an emotional reset.

Identify what you need

As busy parents, we often cast our needs aside to care for our kids.

Taking time to meet our needs, however, isn’t selfish or shameful; it’s essential for our well-being.

To identify what you need, try this self-care exercise: take an inventory of your basic needs, such as hunger, loneliness, and fatigue. If you’re feeling any of these things — or all three — pause and nurture yourself. Have a snack, text with a friend, or see if you can get some extra rest.

Having your body and mind at ease can help put you in a better place when your child aggravates you or is acting like a pill.

If needed, seek support

While we all have outbursts from time to time, unrelenting rage attacks can be a sign of a mental health concern, such as depression. Ongoing stressors, such as divorce, grief, job loss, or financial worries, can also ignite irritability.

Talking with a therapist or joining a parenting support group can help. After all, as parents, we can’t do this job alone. It always takes a village.

Dr. Juli Fraga is a psychologist in San Francisco who works with parents. She is also the co-author of the new book, “Parents Have Feelings, Too” (Alcove Press).

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