Do you have an unhealthy habit of overgiving in your relationships? Are you always the one stewing in resentment after going above and beyond for another person while neglecting your own needs? Do you expect your partner to notice your efforts and reward you for them, meeting you halfway without you ever really asking them to?
You might be overgiving in your relationship. And you’re not the only one stuck in this toxic pattern, which often turns to a sort of martyrdom that strips love out of even the deepest of connections.
Here are some tell-tale signs you’re overgiving in your relationship.
1. You’re Starting to Resent Your Partner
Resentment can destroy even the strongest partnerships, as it often builds for months or even years before finally poisoning a connection.
Mark Travers, Ph.D., wrote a Psychology Today article about the concept of overgiving in relationships, a habit that often leads to resentment.
“When individuals view themselves as the givers in a relationship, they tend to act out of love, hoping that their effort will be returned,” Travers wrote. “They might think, ‘If I love you enough, perhaps you will love me just as much.’ This belief pushes them to go out of their way to ensure their partner’s happiness.
“But in the process, they end up sacrificing too much,” he continued. “When that effort goes unreturned or unacknowledged, it creates resentment and makes the relationship emotionally unsustainable.”
If you’re finding yourself resenting your partner for failing to show up for you the way you do for them, it’s time for an honest conversation. Additionally, consider setting boundaries to protect your own energy, and don’t be afraid to voice your own needs.
2. You Feel Emotionally or Physically Depleted
Constantly pulling all the weight in a relationship can be exhausting—in more ways than one. If you’re neglecting self-care, like proper rest or a healthy diet, just to fulfill your partner’s needs/desires, you’re likely overgiving. This is an unsustainable dynamic in a partnership, and if you keep up this way, you’ll reach burnout and resentment before you know it.
3. You Feel Like You Need to ‘Earn’ Love
For quite some time in my own life/relationships, I felt like I needed to earn love by proving I was worthy of it. This meant I would go out of my way to make the other person feel supported, loved, comforted, etc., while not worrying about my own needs. I would burn myself out to make them happy, then grow resentful (see above) when it wasn’t returned in even the most minor of ways.
When I got to the core of it, I realized I wasn’t just doing these things out of love—I was doing them to receive love in return. Not as selfless as I’d originally thought…
For me, my self-worth was tied to my ability to show up for others. To give, give, give until I had nothing left for myself.
If you notice yourself in this pattern of overcompensating, Travers recommended asking yourself: “Am I trying to win them back?” Did something shift?” and “Would I still do this if I felt secure?” Your answers to these questions can inform you on whether your actions are genuine or driven by fear—fear of being too much or not enough.
4. You Struggle Saying ‘No’
Do you jump to meet every single one of your partner’s demands? When they ask you to do X, Y, and Z for them, do you pause to ask yourself whether it’s feasible given your own needs and responsibilities? Or do you immediately comply without a second thought?
While it might seem romantic to be at your lover’s beck and call, it’s actually quite damaging—both to yourself and your relationship. This type of codependent behavior doesn’t set you up for love. If you can’t say “no” to your partner without a fight, you’re bound to fall into an overgiving spiral. Your time, energy, wants, and needs are just as important as your partners. For a healthy relationship to thrive, a balance is essential.
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