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It would be awful to live in interesting times, but, fortunately, we don’t.
What a beautiful fall day it is. A beautiful day for saying nothing! That chill you feel in the air isn’t Pam Bondi saying she’s going to go after free speech, then clumsily backtracking. It’s not Jimmy Kimmel’s show being suspended indefinitely after FCC Chair Brendan Carr threatened ABC. It’s just autumn: The perfect time to discuss approved subjects.
Let’s not get political. Let’s avoid hate speech. (That’s when Jonathan Karl asks the president questions. You might almost mistake it for journalism, but, remember, he has hate in his heart.) Let’s avoid antifa. (That’s when the president has a bad feeling about you. Or maybe you even did an act of terror, like protesting the president while he ate dinner, hurling words at his head, harming him.)
Let’s just stand here, silently. Isn’t it nice here? So quiet. Just stand here and savor the freedom. And, of course, the bravery. And, of course, the corporate mergers. You can tell the country is free because everywhere you look, there is less and less evidence that slavery ever happened.
Save your voice until it grows rusty from disuse. Think of all the free time you’ll get back once you no longer have to spend an hour every night watching comedians criticize the regime. You will be amazed at how many other things there are to talk about. The nice smell of the leaves, pumpkin-spice season come ’round again, the smell of the top of your baby’s head. Travis and Taylor are getting married—to each other, even!
It’s not a chilling effect. It would only be chilling if you had something horrid to say, and you don’t, do you? Certainly nothing critical of the regime, and absolutely no paraphrasing, not of anyone, not at this time! So it’s not chilling. You can say whatever you would like. You can say, “Kill ’em,” about mentally ill homeless people, and keep your job with a simple apology. Just make certain, first, that you are one of those whose speech is never considered a threat. You’ll know.
Silence will certainly save us. Authoritarianism is like measles: Ignore it and it will go away. I have this guidance straight from Secretary Kennedy.
If we are quiet enough, they are sure to forget we are here. They’re not just looking for pretexts at this point, to do what they were always going to do. Don’t say the word pretext so loud. There has never been a pretext even once. We certainly don’t know what you mean. Just be quiet. Don’t say We have to speak up now, because there will always be an excuse when the troops descend on the city or the strike hits the boat or the vans roll up and start shoving people inside. I’m sorry I said excuse. I’m sorry I said pretext. I should have said reason. I should have said nothing.
Let’s all just sit here motionless for the next four years and hope things work out! Then the merger can go through; then the shareholders can breathe a sigh of relief. Surely someone else will say something before it’s too late. It’s a beautiful fall day. Look at the fall.
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