These are things people might say when they claim to be setting boundaries:
“You really have to stop coming over unannounced.”
“Don’t talk to me that way.”
“If you can’t honor my needs, I’m cutting off all contact.”
But like so much of the therapy-speak infiltrating social media and our culture at large, the meaning of “boundaries” has been lost in translation. When psychologists talk about boundaries, they don’t mean controlling other people with ultimatums or insulating yourself from relationship problems. Setting a boundary means controlling your own behavior with rules that you set for yourself.
These rules are a healthy way of expressing our needs and expectations — and they can help us foster stronger connections with the important people in our lives, said Nedra Glover Tawwab, a therapist and the author of “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.”
How do you establish a boundary?
Say that your mother often comments on your weight. If you ask her to please stop mentioning your size, this is a request — not a boundary.
If she ignores that request, then you can establish a boundary. One way would be to disallow her belief about your body to become your belief, said KC Davis, a therapist in Texas and the author of “Who Deserves Your Love: How to Create Boundaries to Start, Strengthen, or End Any Relationship.”
“I don’t need to send her books; I don’t need to have conversations about Health at Every Size.” Ms. Davis said. “I don’t need to convince her that I’m healthy. I just go, ‘OK, Mom,’ and move on.”
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