Recently, an old friend I hadn’t really connected with in 15 or 20 years reached out by text. I was delighted to hear from him; our friendship had always been warm, if somewhat superficial. After a few exchanges, we agreed to a Zoom call, given our geographical distance.
During the conversation, I learned that he’d left teaching and was now working as a self-employed parenting and life coach. At one point, he asked whether I was getting any support to deal with my professional struggles, which I’d been open about. I said no, and we moved on. The call was otherwise as warm and easy as I remembered from the old days.
Afterward, though, I found myself wondering if he’d reached out less to reconnect than to explore whether I might become a client. That suspicion deepened when he followed up suggesting we make our chats a regular thing. At this point, I’m fairly certain he was hoping to cultivate a financial relationship.
I haven’t responded to his texts in the months since. I feel guilty about that — I don’t want to hurt his feelings, and I suspect he could use the money. Still, my time for friendships is limited, and I’m not inclined to spend it in what feels like a commercialized version of one.
So the question is: Do I owe it to him to be upfront about that, or should I slow-play my reply to make it clear that I’m not interested in a commercial arrangement? — Chris D.
From the Ethicist:
This friendship went dormant more than a decade ago; a warm but brief reconnection doesn’t bind you to very much. So you could simply let the whole thing slide; after months of silence, he surely knows where things stand. Still, there’s an argument for gently closing the loop. (“Hey, I was happy to catch up, but I’m not looking for coaching. If you’d like to stay in touch just as friends, I’d be glad of that.”) He may bristle, but at least you won’t have left him dangling. And the fact that the exchange is still on your mind shows that your nonreply isn’t sitting well with you. In a best-case scenario, you might salvage some genuine connection. But don’t blame yourself if that never happens. Friendships, like houses, can collapse when you try to rebuild them on the wrong foundation.
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The post My Friend Is Trying to Convert Me Into a Client. What to Do? appeared first on New York Times.
