The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are back and better than ever, with even more bizarre fighting locales, salacious legal drama, and—wait, where is Lisa Barlow!?
Forget this RV trip, the random SWAT Team of strippers, and whatever’s going on with Britani “OG of the SLC” Bateman. How are we supposed to focus on anything until we know what exactly’s going on with Lisa Barlow? It’s just not right.
Four years removed from the Jen Shah arrest heard ’round Beauty Lab & Laser, the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are still haunted by their past. That’s why Whitney Wild Rose hires some strippers to dance all over the ladies before Angie K.’s RV departs to the middle of nowhere, Utah, while the ladies gossip about the strange absence of one of their own. It may be a new day in Salt Lake City, but it’s business as usual for the snowflakes.
No matter what, life goes on, and so does RHOSLC. We must accept a Lisa-less premiere in order to appreciate the true chaos to come. Suffering makes us stronger. At least, that’s what I tell myself as I brace for another year of Bronwyn Newport confessionals.
So, the ladies of Salt Lake City depart their cozy suburbs to go camping, as our resident Greek goddess takes pleasure in an invitation bait-and-switch. You ladies really thought you’d be taking a private jet to some beach and Lisa Barlow wouldn’t be there? Please. You get to squat over a bush while Britani camcords you, and you better like it.
The truth is, Lisa might as well be on the trip, given she’s the topic of almost every conversation. The first mention comes in the form of “Where’s Lisa?”, asked by her new best friend, Britani, who showed up to the Beauty Lab & Laser parking lot wearing a fur over her bikini. It’s Mormon 2.0.
“Oh, Lisa’s not coming,” Meredith announces, which Britani obviously knew, too. I mean, that’s her best friend, after all.
The second mention of Lisa comes a few minutes later, from a befuddled Heather: “Where is Lisa? Where is she?” This leads to our one and only moment of new Lisa footage in the episode, as we flashback to Angie K.’s FaceTime with Lisa prior to the event.
Lisa has a work thing! It’s, like, a big deal. Obviously, Lisa has a very full life, even though she keeps it very private, but she’ll be with some big names, down at South by Southwest. She doesn’t want to name drop, but if you must know, she’ll be canoodling with Ben Affleck and Blake Lively.
As for these ladies, maybe they can get a Cameo from Jen Affleck or something, if her new ABC overlords allow for it. She’s a Disney girl now.
Lisa’s best friend confirms that “she has a huge work thing,” leading a newly fire-red Whitney Wild Rose to lash out. Here, Britani finally gets her lick back, asking why Whitney would dismiss a businesswoman when her businesses are flatlining all over the place. Naturally, this leads Whitney to accuse Britani of “s—ing d—” to make money, which is the price you pay for sticking up for Lisa Barlow. Remember, Jesus and all his disciples were judged in their time, too.
Once the ladies show up at the desecrated ruins of some campsite, they snack on Panera-esque sandwiches while doing what they always do: discussing Lisa.
Well, first, Britani makes an announcement! She has brought some camcorders along for the ride, since she’s the “video girl” of the group. How fun! So, if you see Britani recording every little moment of this trip, it’s not because she’s leaking it to blogs or her on-again-off-again boyfriend Jared. It’s because she’s making memories!
Then the third Lisa mention arrives, as Angie declares “it’s weird that Lisa didn’t join our trip.” Whitney takes this as an opportunity to mention all the drama and lawsuits surrounding Lisa Barlow. All alleged, of course.
And then Bronwyn starts bobbing her bob around, going on a tirade that fully explains why Lisa venomously calls her a gout d— s—– in next week’s episode.
This leads the gospel choir to go absolutely bananas in the background, as Bronwyn makes some serious accusations that Lisa’s life is all smoke and mirrors. She’s seen at least five lawsuits! One even made it into The Salt Lake Tribune. Bronwyn trusts her local paper, unlike the illiterate Real Housewives of Beverly Hills.
“You’ve seen it! You’ve seen it! Everyone’s seen it,” Bronwyn declares, as Heather “plays stupid” (in the words of Angie). Heather’s brand, from day one, has been deny, deny, deny in the face of adversity, a lesson she learned in her good time girl days, when she was the most devout of all the devout Mormons. It’s why she latched herself onto Jen Shah until the very end… and maybe that’s why the ghost of Ms. Shah still haunts the narrative, all these years later.
When Angie compares Lisa to Jen, it’s as though she awakens her decrepit spirit from the dead. Like Freddy Krueger, Jen Shah grows more powerful with fear… and oh boy do these women fear her. Lisa doesn’t have that same threatening power.
Of course, this all circles back to Bronwyn and her web of lies, as Heather asks Ms. Bob why she pretended to own that $4 million necklace at the reunion, to which Bronwyn admits: Yes, I lied, but only for the attention.
That’s the beauty of Salt Lake City. A fight never stays on one subject for too long. Sure, the ladies may be gearing up for a gang-up on Lisa, but rest assured, everyone will get muddy in the process. After all, Bronwyn’s messy marriage and her own legal history seems to become a subject later in the season.
And just when things have grown impossibly tense, the second announcement hits the table: Britani and Jared got engaged… and then un-engaged! Aw. Britani should start a newsletter. She’s just full of breaking news. Imagine it’s 2 pm on a Tuesday and you get the alert. BREAKING: I was engaged for a few hours!
Britani is the straw that stirs the icy drinks in Salt Lake City. She brings levity and light. She uses phrases like “fancy schmance.” She’s the best person I’ve ever known. Too bad the actual Salt Lake City Housewives can’t stop beating her with bats, but that’s part of the charm, isn’t it?
Maybe Britani is the second-coming of Molly Sorensen, the little Mormon demon girl who apparently haunts the woods of Provo Canyon. The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City is a full-on murder mystery at this point, so why not add a little ghost girl? I just know Heather loved to threaten the BYU baddies with the lore of Molly Sorensen to keep them in line.
Emboldened by the ghostly spirits around her, Angie brings about the fourth and final Lisa conversation, asking a newly pro-Bronwyn Heather: “Is it really nature [that helped you two connect] or do you think it’s just fun that we’re on a trip without Lisa and you can actually just be yourself?”
That’s a question Heather just can’t escape, whether it’s about Lisa Barlow or Jen Shah. Who is the real Heather Gay? We might never know, but we’re sure to pull on that thread all season.
For now, the women would rather whack Britani all around. Most of it is self-inflicted, of course, as she’s the queen of making every conversation about herself. Whitney said Britani “S D!” Britani would never cuss, so you’ll just have to read between the lines. She’s a good Mormon. Classy, too.
Whitney may apologize for implying Britani’s a sex worker, but she’s still mad about the diss on her business. Because, unlike Lisa, Whitney’s business actually did fail. Kind of means Britani hit the nail on the head, it would seem.
So, when she tries to give Whitney a hug, the Wild Rose stops dead in her tracks. This leads to yet another crucifixion of Britani Bateman, as the “punching bag” tries to punch back, missing every blow. I truly don’t know how she stays in the ring when she’s beaten to a pulp on the regular. It takes a certain level of bravery.
Maybe, just maybe, she’s the smartest one of all. Those little camcorders made their way right into the narrative, providing some found footage to book-end the episode, as the women act like they’re on the verge of death, as though there isn’t an entire production crew two feet away. It’s camp!
With that, RHOSLC heads into yet another season of high-octane drama. Will the women finally rid themselves of the apparitions around them? Will they ever warm up to Britani and all her announcements? Will Whitney going back to blonde after this season force Bravo to give the girls another new intro? The world may never know.
One question has a clear answer, at least. Will Lisa Barlow’s return immediately prove she’s the star of the show? Yes.
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