Isn’t life crazy, folks? One minute you’re demanding the release of every single sheet of paper detailing the activities of a certain dead multi-millionaire pedophile, the next you’re trying to convince your base that there are no files, never were any files—and even if there were, the only things worth mentioning would implicate Democrats and not, say, the current president of the United States who was said dead pedophile’s best friend for years. Kind of makes you chuckle.
Of course, it’s no real laughing matter. Because President Trump is innocent! I could stop there. Without even knowing what he is accused of doing, I know Trump is innocent. Pure of heart, soul, and mind. The release this week of the infamous “Epstein birthday book” illustrates my point.
When the Wall Street Journal first reported the alleged existence of a suggestive birthday message from Trump to the pedophile and sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, Trump loudly proclaimed it a hoax, calling the letter a “scam,” and a “fake story.” He proclaimed he would sue Rupert Murdoch and the paper, and he did, filing a libel lawsuit to the tune of—wait for it—$20 billion.
As a point of reference, the class action lawsuit brought by 46 U.S. states against the tobacco companies was about $200 billion, but spread out over 25 years. On a per-year basis, Trump is claiming the Journal’s reporting on him is worse than what Big Tobacco did to the American consumer for decades. Would a guilty man make such a claim?
Anybody with two eyes can see the squiggly black Sharpee signature affixed to the alleged birthday message bears almost no resemblance to the squiggly black Sharpee signature we have grown so familiar with on so many of the president’s executive orders, other than the niggling fact that it looks the same.
Trump insists it’s fake, and his press secretary has confirmed that handwriting experts from The Daily Wire support this assertion. Of course, the handwriting experts consulted turned out to be chatbots, but as Melania herself said, “the robots are here.”
After all, isn’t a perfect facsimile of Trump’s signature exactly what we would expect from a clever Democratic operative with a grudge against Your Favorite President™, laying the groundwork for their scheme approximately 12 years before Trump announced his run for the White House?
Open your eyes, Sheeple!
Speaker of the House Mike Johnson has told reporters that Trump was, in fact, an FBI informant working against Epstein, even though the whole “Epstein files” thing was a hoax. Got it? Donald Trump—yes, that Donald Trump—was an undercover FBI informant trying to bring down his best friend of 15 years. To do so, he allowed Epstein to get away with his crimes against young women and children to… ensure he’d save future victims from such a fate?
I will note for the record that Trump has denied any knowledge of Epstein’s behavior and/or sex crimes. His being an FBI informant, according to the Speaker of the House, surely proves that. It certainly doesn’t conflict entirely! No wonder he doesn’t want the Epstein files released. They would reveal that Trump was the hero in all of this, and if there’s one thing Trump hates, it’s receiving credit.
The fact that Johnson then backtracked on his comments about Trump being an FBI informant is more proof still. Trump obviously called the Speaker and said, “Mike, I did what I did for the good of the country. Let’s keep my name out of it, even though I deserve the Nobel Peace Prize for bringing that rat bastard down.”
Trump won’t say it, but I will: He’s the real hero in all of this. It was Trump who ended the friendship with Epstein. Trump who was president when Epstein met his end in a New York City prison cell. Trump—and his Congressional toadies— who refused to release the Epstein Files in order to save the reputations of the very cool, very innocent rich dudes who also contributed to the Birthday Book, a book we can only now assume was created in the same Wuhan lab that gave us the terrible bioengineered COVID-19 virus. But we don’t need vaccines for that either, actually.
If you haven’t seen the full “birthday book,” it’s an amazing collection of bad art by bad (but, again, totally innocent) men celebrating Epstein’s perverted sexual proclivities. One diptych illustration shows Epstein literally grooming children by offering them a balloon, alongside, presumably, those same girls fully grown—and massaging every inch of a nude Epstein, including one girl on her knees in a strategic spot.
Does that sound like the kind of birthday souvenir an actual pedophile would have on hand? It’s a little too on the penis. Wait, I mean nose. I totally meant nose.
Of course not. You’d have to be an arrogant, self-entitled misogynist who believes he will never face the consequences of his actions because of his access to rich and powerful men to be so reckless. And to be best friends with such a person for some 15 years, you’d have to believe the same about yourself. But, of course, that hardly describes Trump. After all, for most of those years, the dude was in debt up to his eyeballs.
For another, do we really think a guy who’s been accused by over two dozen women of sexual deviancy in various forms would risk a hit to his reputation by associating with a known sexual deviant? Trump has consistently denied these accusations, though he was in 2023 found guilty of sexual abuse in a case brought by the writer E. Jean Carroll—and just this week lost out after lodging an appeal over a related defamation case Carroll also filed against him. It simply doesn’t make sense.
Yes, Trump is an innocent man. Even JD Vance says so, writing on Twitter that, “No one is falling for this BS.” You tell ’em, Mr. Vice President. No one is falling for it, except for the millions of Americans who are choosing to believe the evidence in front of their own eyes, evidence which is further supported by every single thing we know about both men.
Not me, though. Nothing is real until he says it’s real because he is our commander-in-chief, and I will only believe what he commands me to believe.
But whoever wrote that letter to Epstein is a sick f—.
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