I think we can all agree ahead of time that this is purely for entertainment’s sake and that the entire essence of TikTok is not really in keeping with the sometimes loose and usually personal ideals of punk. However, strictly hypothetically, what would some of our biggest punk rock icons do if they somehow got their hands on the dreaded app?
jello biafra
It’s possible that, had TikTok somehow been around in 1979, Jello Biafra’s campaign for Boy Mayor of San Francisco (as he was only 21) would have gone better. He would have gotten more of the youth vote, in any case. Word would spread far and wide, all the newly 18-year-olds would flock to voting booths in droves, and Jello Biafra would become Mayor of San Francisco by a landslide. When the kids get organized, they can make some big money moves, after all. On the flipside, then, there might not have been any Dead Kennedys. When his constituents held up signs asking “What If He Does Win?” the answer is a resounding “No Fresh Fruit For Rotting Vegetables for you.” Because then Jello Biafra would actually have to be the boy mayor.
Ramones
Speaking merely hypothetically here, if the Ramones had TikTok, they’d probably get involved in all the weird dance trends. You’ve got a four-piece band of guys all with roughly the same haircut and you think they wouldn’t get really into making bizarre videos? They’d do it to their own music, too, with the fast and short nature of Ramones tunes lending itself to the TikTok format. They’d also probably make aesthetically punk vlogs of themselves walking down an East Village sidewalk dressed in matching leather jackets. Strutting through the front door of CBGC’s. Maybe kicking a trash can over or throwing cigarettes in a fountain or something. And mixed in with all that there would be a video of them doing the Charli XCX “Apple” dance.
Poly Styrene
I think the late, great Poly Styrene would take to TikTok and give wise yet funny advice. She’d make multi-part story time videos and they’d all be about sewing patches on a battle vest. Or the best ways to safely sleep in your car on the side of the road while traveling. How to survive in a mosh pit, and how to treat a mild head wound when you inevitably get whacked in the face while in the mosh pit. Perhaps she’d create a video series exploring feminist theory, or going through her record collection talking about her favorites. Through it all, she’d take questions from followers and dispense wise-cracking knowledge in a segment called “Ask Poly” or something. And when people asked stupid questions, she wouldn’t take any bullshit.
Photo by Ed Perlstein/Redferns
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