Courtesy of Justine Martin
This as-told-to essay is based on a conversation with Justine Martin, a single mom in Geelong, Australia. It has been edited for length and clarity.
Ten years ago, my last child left home at 17. Initially, I was shocked — I thought I’d have her around until she was in her mid-20s. I wasn’t ready for her to leave as a teenager, and I also wasn’t sure who I was outside of being a parent. I’d been a mom for 22 years since my eldest — my son — was born.
My daughter and I had also been arguing when she moved out, and she went to live with her boyfriend. It was not how I’d imagined things going.
I became an empty-nester about eight years before I envisaged it, which is part of why I wasn’t mentally prepared. My son left in his mid-20s, so I expected my daughter to do the same. Looking back, I sometimes wonder if I made my children a little too self-sufficient, too soon.
I felt so alone. I had so much time on my hands that I didn’t know what to do with it. As a sole parent, I didn’t have a partner to fall back on. The house was deadly quiet.
I had to find a way to deal with my loneliness
I booked a therapist to help me process my loneliness. I realized I had to reinvent myself as “more than just a mom.” That’d be a long journey, as hard battles were ahead.
I began dog-sitting to help a friend out. It also helped me out and gave me much-needed company through a distressing time: I’d had to leave work due to being diagnosed with multiple sclerosis in 2011, then cancer in 2016. The cancer came less than a year after my daughter left. I couldn’t bring myself to get my own dog; I didn’t know if I’d survive the cancer, so it didn’t seem fair.
Once I went into remission from cancer in 2018, I realized his dog had filled such a void for me — it was time to become a mom to a furbaby myself. I got a mini sausage puppy, Pansy, and she has been my constant companion ever since. Dachshunds are very needy. She follows me literally everywhere — even to the toilet!
I found new ways to fill my time
Even with Pansy, I needed to decide what to do with the spare time. As my grief began to subside, I realized I could go where I wanted whenever I wanted and didn’t have to rush home or get out of bed early for my daughter. Gradually, I went from feeling depressed to feeling liberated.
I traveled across the beautiful, big country I live in — Australia — staying with friends, and my son, who lives interstate. At first, it felt strange traveling solo, without having to book extra flights for my daughter.
Over time, I began noticing things I liked about being an empty-nester. My grocery bill decreased. With the extra money, I was able to buy more supplies for my hobbies. I started painting and sculpting more, then selling my artwork and sculptures. I also began illustrating children’s books.
I didn’t wait for someone else to make me happy
My key to surviving loneliness was not waiting for someone else to make me happy, which is what a lot of lonely people do. I went out there and did it myself. It began with little things, like simply making sure I made the bed every day. It’s a mindset thing; it starts your day right. Then, even if the rest of the day went poorly, at least I’d accomplished that small thing for myself.
No one tells you how it’ll feel when you suddenly become an empty nester, and I was under-prepared. That’s why therapy was so helpful. However, sometimes I still get sad, thinking about how my children are all grown up and that phase of life is over.
These days, though, that sadness passes more quickly than it once did. I’m a grandma now, and my daughter and I have a great relationship again. My grandkids come over to stay once a fortnight, and the house is alive again. I’m so grateful for that.
The post I struggled with loneliness when I became an empty nester. I found new hobbies, got a dog, and started traveling. appeared first on Business Insider.
