I just read an article about the history and accuracy of polygraph tests, because I like to lead with the facts while doing journalism, especially when said journalism is recapping The Real Housewives of Orange County. That’s a serious task.
A true polygraph involves no surprise questions, a practice test, and a post-test interview, all of which I’m highly doubtful Emily Simpson’s little friends did in full. So we can go ahead and take much of tonight’s lie detector test with a grain of salt, even if the spectacle was good fun.
No one should use this particular event as a reason to discern Katie Ginella is a pathological liar. You should discern that from the fact she’s almost always lying, even about her lies. Anyway.
The Real Housewives have thrown all kinds of theme parties—a high-body-count bat mitzvah, a girls and gays never forget all white party seafood soirée, and at least 15 Gatsby-inspired galas, to name a few—but perhaps the most random and ambitious has come in the form of Emily’s Persian New Year Polygraph Party.
If you’re confused how that came to be, then you don’t quite have a producer’s mindset. Just like the Detroit Free Press headlined their Tayvis engagement story “Tight end for Detroit Lions’ Week 6 opponent gets engaged to Taylor Swift,” so, too, shall production tie Emily’s polygraph party to her husband’s half-Persian heritage. There’s always a local angle. That’s another journalism tidbit.
My final piece of journalistic advice is not to muddy the waters with your subjects, which brings us to the TV debut of “really cool journalist” Kiki Monique, after 32,000 mentions.
Now, whether Kiki herself considers herself a journalist is up in the air, as that title was handed to her by Katie, while the rest of the cast have classified her as a blogger bogeyman. Regardless, when you’re hanging out and filming with the Housewives, you’re no longer an impartial third party.
That brings us to the scene that kicks off the drama, in which Kiki Monique sits down with Gretchen and Gina to reveal the truth behind her conversation with Katie, once and for all. Here, the illustrious blogger (of Scheananigans fame) orders a dry white wine, which can only mean one thing. She’s canoodling with yet another Housewife: Eileen Davidson, the queen of dry whites.
Even juicier, Kiki reveals her side of the story with Katie. It’s about what we expected, really. Yes, Katie and Kiki discussed Gretchen and the night of “Naked Wasted.” Yes, Katie said that Gretchen told her she was drugged that night.
Whether Gretchen actually said that is wildly up in the air, given her own recollection of events has changed several times. You can’t expect her to be accountable for every word she says. Some people like to just tell stories. That’s what made Gretchen and Katie so simpatico, and that’s why their flimsy friendship is falling apart at the seams.
Regardless of whether Gretchen told Katie that she was drugged, that’s not exactly coffee talk. It’s not information you should bring to a Housewives hanger-on if you want your castmates to like or trust you. And that’s the real issue at the center of it all (if you believe Kiki, which I’m inclined to, given we know Katie has lied, and we know Gretchen has lied).
But let’s focus on something even wilder. Apparently, Katie told Gina she wants to highlight Asian designers on the show, and, at some point, Gina asked her if her outfit was made by one of said designers. Katie took that information back to Kiki Monique to purport it as Gina was disgusted by the idea of her wearing an Asian designer’s clothes, which, who knows. Maybe!
“I wanted to celebrate the fact that Katie wanted to come into this group and celebrate culture! And then she just didn’t do any of it. This is just another perfect example of all of her inconsistencies in all of her stories, and it feels performative,” Gina says in a confessional, throwing it right back.
For her part, Gina has sported questionable fashions and hairstyles for seven years to help audiences feel better about themselves. Not everyone can be that selfless.
Regardless, this all leads to the main event of the episode: Dubrow family game night! I love Heather’s solo footage because it’s all forced family fun with this obviously staged aura that makes it almost intoxicating. I also fully believe her life is as cookie-cutter and sanitated off-camera as it is on the show, even when she’s trying to rob little Coralines of their soul.
The true centerpiece of the episode is Emily’s Persian Polygraph New Year Party, where Katie hopes they can all move forward and start from zero. Persian New Year is all about new beginnings, after all—and she’s always said that.
Typical of Persian New Year festivities, the event is devoted to figuring out whether one friend said another was drugged. It’s also the grand return of Tamra, but no one really cares about that. She’s been in the game so long that even running away from a cast trip and publicly quitting couldn’t phase anyone. They knew she’d clock in at 8:59 the next morning, and that’s just what she did.
Once all the ladies gather, they each write some anonymous questions to catch the others in a lie, even if they don’t quite know the purpose. Does Shannon genuinely want a friendship with Tamra? Does Heather want to be a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills? Is Gretchen’s hair a wig? The world may never know.
Jumping from cute little questions like that to “Did you tell Katie and Jenn that you were drugged?” is real whiplash, but it’s the darkly humorous reality RHOC has always lived in. Tamra clapping when Gretchen says “no” really got me. Vindicated! Kind of.
Finally, we land on Katie’s test. She “fails” every single question, ending the night in utter disgrace. It’s wild on every end, whether she’s lying or telling the truth. The second the polygraph lady (sporting a Heather Dubrow Season 9 reunion ‘do) drops the results, the entire cast eat Katie like piranhas, including her main ally, Jenn.
“I wanted someone that I was close to in this friend group, and Katie was that for me. And in one instant of failing all those questions, that was gone,” Jenn says. With that, Katie’s on an island of her own, and it’s unclear exactly how much she’ll film the rest of the season.
Congratulations are in order to Tamra Judge. The trio of terror—whose one true goal was to take her down—took themselves out in the process. I’ll tip my hat to Emily, too, for finally throwing her first great Housewives event, despite (allegedly) being a party planner. Tossing out a Housewife after she fails her polygraph test is the kind of gutter behavior that makes RHOC the Desperate Housewives of the modern age.
No Housewives are more desperate than these, truly. Will the new neighbor crawl her way back into the fold, or have the ladies kicked her to the curb once and for all? Only time will tell.
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