Courtesy of Jamie Valentino
I never planned for snapping at my brother David to become part of my personality. Then again, I also hadn’t planned on him living in the apartment next door and dropping by at his leisure to inspect every cabinet and raid my fridge.
Sometimes he’ll find my cannabis and hide it in a vase. Recently, he walked in on me cuddling in underwear with a guy, and I had to scream at him to get out. I couldn’t understand how he was so unfazed that he didn’t immediately dash for the exit.
On our best days, he has been the Joey to my Chandler. But lately, our difficult relationship has taken an unexpected turn for the worse, and our fights have been channeling a type of anger that feels like it has been fuming for 30 years.
Simply put, we couldn’t have a small disagreement without going from zero to 100. I thought he was to blame for our fights until I introduced him to my partner, which made me see him through unbiased, kinder eyes.
My brother and I lived most of our adult lives apart until now
David and I have called each other every name under the sun and betrayed each other in ways more creative than you’d find in a soap opera.
That’s not breaking news; that’s family.
We’ve also had the time of our lives together, and he has been one of my biggest fans and supporters.
Over time, though, living in separate zip codes prompted us to focus on our own lives as we individually grew up and followed our respective ambitions.
I thought David and I had a great brotherhood until I learned it was easier to get along when we were doing our own thing.
We both relocated to Minneapolis to join the family business
In June 2024, we both decided to leave our pursuits to focus on creating a commercial arm for our mom’s residential remodeling company in Minneapolis.
We found apartments in the same building on the same floor, next door to each other.
Although distance might’ve made the heart grow fonder, proximity made my brother appear like the most annoying person on Earth.
When it came to work, my brother was a big-picture kind of guy and refused to focus on the small details.
I felt he didn’t listen to anything I said, but I never considered whether I was offering the respect I expected.
It only took a few months of bumping heads like lightsabers before we abandoned any pretense of trying to work together.
I introduced him to my new boyfriend
In an attempt to rebuild a friendship, I invited David over for dinner to meet my new boyfriend. I never dreamed they would have so much to talk about.
They instantly connected over my boyfriend’s career in Hollywood. I begged David to stop lecturing my boyfriend about something he didn’t know about.
But my boyfriend told me to let him finish, and I started to feel like I was third-wheeling. Thank goodness David is straight. I was willing to compete with him on everything except that.
The next day, my boyfriend commented on how intelligent and insightful David was. I tried to remember what he spoke about, but I didn’t listen. I was embarrassed to admit I was just waiting for him to finish.
It made me reevaluate whether I was carrying this dismissive attitude into work. My mom immediately said yes.
A lifetime of David getting on my nerves made me quick to dismiss him
I felt sad to think a stranger could see more potential in my own blood. Although David has his moments of wanting to annoy me, I failed to separate the blessing of having a meddlesome sibling from the grown man with smart ideas and life experience.
Maybe I was too quick to react and project how I expected him to behave rather than an honest interpretation of the moment.
The more respect I started to give my brother, the more he acted worthy of it. We didn’t change our tendency to bump heads, but we carried a happier relationship, knowing disagreements didn’t have to clash but could be built upon with the right attitude.
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