My neighbor across the street has dementia, according to her husband. But her behavior hasn’t changed for the past two years: She comes to my gate regularly and calls out or tries to walk in. She engages pedestrians in conversations on the street. And worst of all, she strums her guitar and sings — loudly and out of tune — from her porch several times a day. I’ve talked to her husband about her singing at 9 a.m. and 7 p.m. (Talking to her is a waste of time.) The husband feigns empathy, and then says, essentially, that it’s a neighborhood with many noises and I should suck it up. My legal recourse is to claim a quality-of-life infringement with two other neighbors. Advice?
RESIDENT
Sometimes I can’t see that I ought to shift my perspective until after I say what I’m thinking out loud and actually hear myself. (Many of us are like this.) Other times, my poor husband and friends have to nudge me in different directions. Consider this your friendly nudge!
Without question, the incidents you have described sound annoying. But compared with having a progressive neurological illness for which there is no effective treatment or cure, your inconvenience is relatively mild. (I may be misinterpreting your letter, but you also seem skeptical that your neighbor has dementia because her condition has not worsened more rapidly. But every illness progresses at its own rate.)
Try to find compassion for a woman with a grim diagnosis and for her husband, too, who seems to need support in managing his wife’s care. This does not require you to pretend that everything is fine — only to acknowledge the relative seriousness of your complaints. I would contact a nearby hospital to ask about support services for people with dementia and report your findings to your neighbor. Perhaps a program or visiting aide will cut down on the crooning.
Showing Grace on a Hard Day
Two months ago, my boyfriend drove me and my children to my brother’s funeral — an eight-hour round-trip drive. He stayed by our side the whole time to support us. Recently, my sister told me that she would be visiting in September and asked to stay with us. When I mentioned this to my boyfriend, he told me that my sister didn’t speak to him at the funeral and ignored him all day. He was hurt. I am shocked and angry, and I told my sister that September isn’t a good time for a visit. My boyfriend is willing to have her stay with us, but I am not: She disrespected him! If I mention this to her, she will get her shorts in a knot. Advice?
SISTER
It sounds as if your boyfriend was wonderfully supportive of you at your brother’s funeral — and by implication, that you needed support on a sad day. So I think you should try being more compassionate to your sister: You were allowed to be fragile, yet you expected her to behave like a hostess.
Grief is hard! And your sister probably had more on her mind than chatting with your boyfriend. Did he even approach her, or did he wait for her to find him? Be gentle with everyone involved here: your sister, your boyfriend and yourself. There’s been loss enough already. Consider a reset: Reach out to your sister to ask her to stay with you when she visits.
The C in C.P.A. Doesn’t Stand for ‘Cousin’
My cousin had to put down her young dog unexpectedly. It was hard on her emotionally, and the vet bill was $5,000. My cousin makes good money and has $10,000 in savings. Still, she created a crowdfunding page to pay the vet. This strikes me as wrong: She has savings and a vacation planned. Why not cancel it to pay part of the bill? Now, people are asking me about her financial condition. May I tell my cousin that her crowdfunding decision is damaging her reputation?
COUSIN
I can almost understand why you think this is your business: You have some information about your cousin’s finances, and you want people to think well of her. But she hasn’t asked for advice. Your question also makes me suspect that you have never canceled vacation for a refund (not easy!), lost half your savings unexpectedly or put down a young pet. Leave your cousin alone. Your only decision here is whether to donate to the vet bill — and you are perfectly free not to.
You Can Be Warm Without an Embrace
I recently saw an occasional collaborator — with whom I’ve built a nice rapport — at a concert. When I approached him, I instinctively went in for a hug. His body stiffened, and he kept his arms at his sides. I thought: Oh, this was a mistake! I backed off, and we exchanged pleasantries. But his response felt excessive and rude. Should I let this go?
FRIEND
It’s easy to feel defensive — or chastened — when we accidentally overstep with friends. But it is wrong to blame others for our unwanted touching. Your collaborator had no obligation to return your hug or to make you feel better about it. So, to answer your question: No, you shouldn’t let this go. Instead, rethink your instinct to hug people who you aren’t sure will welcome it.
For help with your awkward situation, send a question to [email protected], Philip Galanes on Facebook or @SocialQPhilip on X.
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