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Is Today’s Self-Help Teaching Everyone to Be a Jerk?

August 25, 2025
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Is Today’s Self-Help Teaching Everyone to Be a Jerk?
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There’s a certain flavor of advice that is dominating the self-help best-seller list. These books have titles like “The Courage to Be Disliked” and “Set Boundaries, Find Peace.” They tell readers not to worry so much about letting people down, not to answer those calls from aggravating friends, not to be afraid of being the villain.

This all becomes more alarming when you think of the best-seller list as a mirror of the social moment, which some historians say it may be.

Take Dale Carnegie’s perma-popular “How to Win Friends and Influence People,” which came out in 1936, meeting readers haunted by memories of bread lines and the slow, dirge-like notes of “Brother, Can You Spare a Dime.” The unemployment rate was at 16.9 percent. Jobs were scarce and financial security was elusive; Mr. Carnegie’s rules for life fell into readers’ hands like manna.

Mr. Carnegie promised that some of history’s great men, say Benjamin Franklin and Abraham Lincoln, had achieved success with a formula so simple that it was within anybody’s reach. Placate people. Dole out compliments. “Don’t feel like smiling?” wrote Mr. Carnegie, who had changed his last name’s spelling to match the steel magnate’s, to whom he had no relation. “Force yourself to smile. If you are alone, force yourself to whistle or hum a tune.” (Lincoln’s letters to some generals were apparently heavy on flattery.)

The book was an instant success, reaching an audience that felt hard on its luck and appreciated a formula for riches that seemed both secret and utterly replicable. It has gone on to sell more than 30 million copies.

The post Is Today’s Self-Help Teaching Everyone to Be a Jerk? appeared first on New York Times.

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