Getting over a crush should be easy. It’s just a crush. But then you’re lying in bed rereading a three-week-old text and wondering if that emoji meant anything.
It didn’t. Unfortunately, your brain would still like to dwell on it for a hot minute.
There’s a reason crushes can hang around even after you know better. Romantic attraction activates dopamine systems involved in reward and motivation, and research on limerence shows how obsessive thoughts can keep feeding themselves. Every profile check, imaginary conversation, and debate over whether to text gives your brain another excuse to go back there.
Here’s how to let go and move on.
1. Accept That It Hurts
Just because it wasn’t an official relationship doesn’t mean you’re not allowed to feel bad that something you wanted didn’t happen. Logan Ury, Director of Relationship Science at Hinge and author of How to Not Die Alone, told Cosmopolitan that unreturned crushes can be especially hard because you’re dealing with an idealized version of the person and “the love story that could have been.”
You’re allowed to be sad about that without pretending it was a breakup.
2. Remember Who This Person Actually Is
Crushes are great at filling missing information with flattering assumptions. You know they’re funny at drinks. You might have no idea how they act when they’re stressed, annoyed, late for a flight, or told no.
San Diego therapist Kim Egel told Healthline that looking honestly at the situation helps people move forward. It can also help to ask whether you actually want this person or just the version you’ve made up in your head.
3. Stop Keeping Tabs on Them
You don’t need to make a big thing out of it. You do need to stop finding tiny excuses to keep them in your day.
No checking whether they watched your story. No asking friends what they’re doing. Muting them is allowed. Psychotherapist Brooke Schwartz notes in Cosmo that research shows seeing the face of someone you’re romantically attached to can strongly activate the brain. Their selfie popping up between brunch photos and ads isn’t helping.
4. Figure Out What You Liked
Once you’ve got some distance, think about what drew you in. Maybe they were funny, curious, affectionate, ambitious, or easy to talk to.
Those qualities didn’t begin and end with this one person. Knowing what attracted you can make the next person easier to recognize, especially if they’re actually available.
5. Stop Having the Same Conversation
Talking to friends helps. Replaying the same five details for three weeks usually doesn’t.
Research on co-rumination suggests repeatedly dissecting distress with friends can keep people stuck in it. Have the conversation. Complain. Get mad. Then talk about literally anything else.
6. Go Back to Your Own Life
Relationship therapist Dr. Dana McNeil told Bumble that reconnecting with friends, hobbies, and routines can help after an unreturned attachment.
That doesn’t mean scheduling every free hour so you never have to think. It means remembering there were things you liked doing before this person became the most interesting thing in your world.
7. Notice If You Keep Ending Up Here
One brutal crush can just be one brutal crush. If you keep getting attached to unavailable people or repeatedly end up a hot mess over relationships that never really get off the ground, it could be worth talking through with a therapist.
If the same thing keeps happening, there might be a reason you keep choosing people you can’t fully have.
The post 7 Ways to Stop Obsessing Over Someone Who Doesn’t Want You Back appeared first on VICE.
