“The museums throughout Washington, but all over the Country are, essentially, the last remaining segment of ‘WOKE.’ The Smithsonian is OUT OF CONTROL, where everything discussed is how horrible our Country is, how bad Slavery was, and how unaccomplished the downtrodden have been – Nothing about Success, nothing about Brightness, nothing about the Future. We are not going to allow this to happen.” — Donald Trump, Truth Social, August 19
Why are museums filled with artifacts from the past and stories about the past? Why don’t museums include things from the future? These are normal questions that everyone has about museums, not just me, Donald J. Trump. I have certainly been to a museum even once and, more important, I understand how linear time works.
For too long, the Smithsonian has been doing museum wrong. I keep asking, Why do we only have things from the past here? Why don’t we have anything from the future? Such as … tesseract? Such as Bene Gesserit witch? Such as little angry box that poor Timothée Chalamet has to stick his hand in as endurance test? Such as … sandworm?
They say, But sir, we have a space shuttle. But sir, we have the Wright Brothers’ airplane! But sir, we have the Enola Gay! I say, What is that? I thought we got rid of all that with the DEI. They say, No sir, it’s a plane. It has to do with nuclear.
At museums, they make you feel bad. First, about slavery. Then, about other things. They say, Sir, don’t sit there. Sir, you can’t touch that. Sir, put that down. Sir, the ropes mean “Don’t touch.” Enough! If I wanted to go to a big marble building and get told to feel bad, I would attend church.
And they have all these bones. They say, This is a dinosaur. I say, No it’s not! It’s a bunch of bones stuck together. If it was a dinosaur, believe me, we wouldn’t be standing here chatting. I guess they can’t afford the live ones like in Jurassic Park. That is the first thing the Smithsonian should fix. Get real dinosaurs. Get them from the mosquitoes in the amber.
Then they have the botanical garden, which is a kind of jail for plants. I keep saying, What did these plants do? Why don’t they let the plants out? I can’t understand it.
Then they have the natural-history museum and also the regular-history museum. I said, Why isn’t American history considered natural? What’s so unnatural about it? This is out-of-control Woke!
Air and Space Museum I didn’t go to, because it sounded empty.
At every museum, you go into a room and you have to read a little plaque with a story about the past. If I wanted to read or to think about the past, I would have led my entire life in a different way. And all these stories about the past just make me feel bad. They should make up better stories about the past instead. Some can be sad, like River of Blood and Bowling Green Massacre. Some can be happy, like how I have already ended six wars that no one knows about! Some can be medium, like the War of 1812. And if people mention slavery, they should be fair! Maybe it was gruesomely, gut-wrenchingly, nightmarishly horrible, the original sin of the country that still stains everything, but maybe … it wasn’t! We may never know, especially if we stop reading books and force the museums to stop mentioning it. No one can really say.
To me, the perfect museum is a bright room full of items from the future where you don’t think about slavery at all. I guess I am describing an Apple Store. That’s how museums should be.
The first thing that should happen when you walk into a museum is that six big men, weeping, should take your coat and tell you, Sir, you are terrific. Then they should let you sit down. You should be able to see the whole museum sitting down. Which you could do if the museum were properly focused on FUTURE.
Instead of walking into a room full of pictures and stories about mostly dead people who photographed poorly, you should walk into a big room full of mirrors. But the mirrors that make you look skinny, not the other ones. Then the mirrors should open and—boom! You are in the future.
The first room is just hoverboards!
The next few rooms are full of even more thrilling future objects. Blasters. Lightsabers. Replicators. Replicants. That Star Trek device that diagnoses and treats all your ailments, and RFK Jr. standing next to it saying you’re not allowed to use it. (Special partnership with MAHA!) The Statue of Liberty, but wrecked, with Charlton Heston screaming, “YOU MANIACS!!” A Jaeger and, for balance, a Kaiju. The transporter device you can get into with a fly, and when you come out, you are also half fly! That’s fun.
Then there’s a room where you can see all the other timelines of your life. I’m in jail for most of mine. You can take a selfie there if you want to.
In the next room: the Twilight Zone. Visitors can take turns being the little boy who can wish people into a cornfield. For now, it is still my turn.
Then there’s a room that is just BRIGHTNESS! Empty and totally white. Just the way Stephen Miller is trying to make the country.
Then you ride a moving walkway to the gift shop, where you can buy a commemorative Success. Brightness. Future. T-shirt for $1 million and, unrelatedly, receive an invitation to dinner with me, the president.
Through the final door, the future, just as George Orwell imagined it! Never mind. That’s the exit.
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