Feeling resentment in a relationship can be equal parts uncomfortable and damaging to the connection. Unfortunately, resentment can build for a variety of reasons. Broken promises, unmet needs, invalidation, betrayal, lack of follow-through—all of these can lead to anger, hurt, and disappointment in your partner.
Resentment often occurs as a result of unfair or poor treatment. If you have relentlessly tried to communicate your feelings for months or even years with no change (or worse: promised change with zero action), you will likely experience deep dissatisfaction and frustration toward your partner.
So…does that mean your relationship is doomed? Not necessarily. Many healthy couples have worked through resentment and come out the other side. Especially in long-term relationships, resentment might inevitably fester during difficult times.
However, if you do commit to processing and releasing your resentment, you have to be willing to move forward without passive-aggressive behavior and silent nitpicking. Here are five tips for working through resentment with your partner.
1. Communicate Your Feelings and Needs Clearly and Shamelessly
Oftentimes, resentment builds when we ourselves downplay our own feelings and needs. Maybe we were taught that we were a burden growing up, so we shrink ourselves and our desires in relationships so as not to be abandoned or neglected. However, all that means is we are abandoning ourselves first.
If you have been overgiving and accommodating for so long, without expecting anything in return, you might have turned yourself into a martyr of sorts. Resentment might have been accumulating without you or your partner even realizing it. To break this pattern, you must be willing to communicate how you feel—even if you don’t think it’s valid.
Own your wants and needs, and know that you are just as worthy of happiness as anyone else (including your partner). When you can clearly identify and communicate your desires, you give your significant other the chance to meet them.
2. Separate Your Resentment From Your Partner
Resentment can sometimes feel like disgust and even contempt. These strong emotions can destroy even the healthiest of relationships.
I know what you might be thinking: “But this person caused these feelings! This is their fault!”
Perhaps, you’re right. I mean, if someone cheated on or lied to you, you’re bound to feel strong negative emotions toward them—all of which are totally valid given the betrayal. In which case, you have to ask yourself: Can I actually forgive this person and continue to move forward in our relationship? Be honest with yourself. There’s no right answer here.
Of course, the above example is a bit more extreme. There doesn’t need to be infidelity for resentment to exist. But regardless of the reason for it, if you do decide to move forward in your relationship, you must separate those negative feelings from your partner.
For example, let’s say your boyfriend keeps canceling your plans and prioritizing his hobbies/work above you, while you are going above and beyond to accommodate his schedule. Instead of saying, “I resent him because he is selfish and inconsiderate,” try “I feel resentment because my needs and expectations are not being met.” This changes the narrative and calls out your experience in the situation.
Rather than labeling him with negative adjectives (which your brain will remember and attempt to find more evidence to support the claims), you are focusing on how his actions are making you feel. That can open a healthier dialogue.
3. Get Curious About Your Triggers
When we are seething in resentment, even the smallest things can trigger us. Let me paint a picture for you…
Let’s say you are constantly taking care of your girlfriend. You’re working late shifts yet still coming home and cooking dinner, cleaning the house, and handling most of the financial responsibilities. All the while, you feel your girlfriend isn’t acknowledging your effort. There’s never a “thank you” or an expression of gratitude. You feel taken for granted and unappreciated. And so, you begin to experience resentment.
Now, perhaps you’ve communicated this to her, and both of you are attempting to work through the resentment. You notice that she is meeting you halfway with chores, has found a job to equally contribute to the bills, and is voicing how proud she is of you and all your hard work, as well as how much she appreciates you.
Still, you’re constantly feeling set off. Maybe she forgot to run the dishwasher after dinner or even took a day off work to catch up on sleep. While rationally, these aren’t huge deals in and of themselves, because of your pent-up resentment, you might react more intensely than you’d want to.
But let’s get curious here…ask yourself what you’re feeling when these small triggers come up. Did her forgetfulness make you feel like you’re not being considered? Maybe it made you feel like you’re the only responsible one, and if you aren’t double-checking every little thing, nothing will ever get done. It’s not about the dirty dishes. It’s about what they represent.
On the other hand, consider why her taking the day off work triggered you. Does it make you feel like she doesn’t take work seriously, and that all of the labor and financial responsibility will fall onto you? Or maybe you yourself don’t have the luxury to take off when you’re feeling under the weather, and seeing her do so feels unfair. Again, it’s not about the one sick day. It’s about what it represents and stirs up in you.
Getting curious and working through these feelings (as well as communicating them when appropriate) is crucial to processing resentment.
4. Don’t Nitpick
As noted earlier, nitpicking is a common reaction to suppressed resentment. When you keep quiet for so long, once you find the courage to speak up, it might all come rushing out of you, feeling like a “resentment dump” where you call out every minor thing they did that upset you. However, this is more of an attack on the other person than a healthy conversation about how to move forward.
If you do find yourself nitpicking, journal it out. If the feeling still sticks with you days later, communicate it. But make sure you do so in doses. This doesn’t mean you are brushing everything under the rug. Rather, you are giving yourself time to understand what it’s stirring up in you and how you can address it with grace and compassion.
As mentioned above, it’s never about the small things the person does; it’s about what they symbolize to you and how they make you feel at the core. That is what should be communicated.
5. Acknowledge Effort and Growth
When we resent someone, it can be hard to feel supportive of them. Because there has been a pattern of feeling let down, we instinctively create this self-fulfilling prophecy that they will continue to fail us. But to move on from that idea, we have to consciously tell ourselves and work to believe the person will show up for us. Otherwise, we will never truly give them the chance to.
This might take time, and you might experience resistance at first. Just as you must be patient with your partner, they have to do the same for you, too. Resentment doesn’t go away overnight, but recognizable growth doesn’t happen in a day, either. Because of that, it’s important to make note of small efforts and signs of progress.
If you see your partner is actively trying, tell them you’re proud of them or express gratitude for their commitment instead of nitpicking what they’re still doing “wrong.” This can make all the difference in their own belief in themselves.
The post 5 Tips for Not Letting Resentment Wreck Your Relationship appeared first on VICE.
