According to the Seattle Police Department’s blotter, on August 5th, around 2:15 p.m., police responded to reports of a 33-year-old disorderly man at a Trader Joe’s on the 1700 block of East Madison Street.
According to witnesses and the store’s security guard, the man had allegedly just wrapped up a sensual moment with a refrigerator. His sexual appetite unsatiated by the refrigerator’s frigid demeanor, the man turned his attention toward a warmer but terrified customer whom he reportedly tried to hump as well.
The situation escalated when the humper was confronted by store security. The humper kicked over a flower display and then started throwing apples. Whether he was throwing the apples at the guards or in random directions has not been made clear.
However, if a flying apple has ever hit you, you can attest to the fruit’s durability as an impromptu weapon. An apple a day keeps the doctor away, unless someone fastballs an apple at your skull.
Man’s Arrest Devolved Into Pure Chaos After Assault of a Trader Joe’s Fridge
The subject, who is unsurprisingly a registered sex offender, then pulled a knife and began making violent threats that he seasoned with a dash of racial slurs. It’s around here that the security team felt like they could handle apples but not racial slurs, so they called in reinforcements.
Multiple Seattle police officers showed up on the scene to swiftly arrest the man, charging him with felony harassment. He was booked into King County jail, where, hopefully, no major appliances are within fondling distance.
The Seattle Police Department’s Homicide & Assault Unit has been assigned to the case. If past legal trends hold up, the suspect could face restrictions like staying at least 500 feet away from refrigeration units, which is such an odd thing for a police blotter to state.
It might be a joke, but it’s an official police blotter, so probably not? If that is real, it makes me wonder how often Seattleites are sexually assaulting refrigerators. Enough that the police blotter writer knows the punishment for diddling a fridge off the top of their head.
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