My mother desperately wants grandchildren. I’m nearing 30 and have never wanted children; my partner feels the same way. We would both rather focus on our careers, and there are also some hereditary health conditions in our family — nothing life-threatening, but enough that we would rather not pass them on.
Despite knowing all this, my mother pressures us constantly. Every time I explain my position, she becomes distraught and insists I just don’t understand the joy a child would bring. She’s in poor physical and mental health, and these conversations quickly spiral into intense emotional distress. Any attempts at therapy have been flatly dismissed.
Now she’s saying that she’ll cut me out of her will if I don’t have a child. There’s not much money involved, but I worry that, if it comes to that, she might also cut off contact altogether. My sibling has already severed ties with my mother over her mental-health struggles. I want to keep my mother in my life, but I can’t stand the thought of this one issue dominating whatever time we have left together.
I’ve started to consider telling her I can’t have children because of fertility issues. That would be a lie, and I feel uneasy using something so many people genuinely struggle with as an excuse. Still, her fixation on grandchildren is seriously damaging our relationship. Should I lie to my mother to try to save our relationship, or keep telling the truth and watch things fall apart? — Name Withheld
From the Ethicist:
Your mother is entitled to leave her estate to anyone she wishes, but using it as leverage this way is simply wrong. You have no obligation to give her grandchildren, no matter how deeply she wants them, and her refusal to accept your choices is clearly a problem.
But I would resist the temptation to lie. That’s not a sound foundation for any relationship. If your mother were truly unable to process reality, some compassionate deception might be justified. But this isn’t the situation you’re describing.
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The post My Mom Keeps Pressuring Me to Have Kids. Can I Pretend to Be Infertile? appeared first on New York Times.
