I moved from New York City to Texas for my husband. Now, we’re divorced, and I’m full of regret and far from home.

I never imagined living anywhere else but New York City. It’s where my grandparents met, where I went to college, got married, and gave birth to my two kids.

So, when my husband suddenly wanted to move to his home city of Houston after four years of marriage, it came as a shock.

He was the breadwinner of the family, so I agreed without much fuss. He said it would be temporary, but I felt nervous in my gut.

Two months later, we were packed and off to Texas. Three years later, I was going through a divorce and stuck here.

Looking back, there are many things I wish I’d asked and done differently before we moved. It probably wouldn’t have prevented our divorce, but it could have prevented, or at least curtailed, the pain and regret I still feel five years after.

I should have asked how my ex imagined our future 5 and 10 years later

Perhaps, if I’d been clearer on his intentions for our future, I may have never agreed to leave New York. I never asked because I feared it could lead to a fight.

During the divorce, I actually did ask him where he wanted to live long-term because I really did not know his feelings.

Of course, he wanted to stay in Houston, where his family, friends, and memories were. And because our divorce was filed in Houston, that is what happened. We stayed.

I was more homesick than ever during the divorce process. Houston was an unfamiliar place. I didn’t know anyone here, and adjusting to divorced motherhood while getting my own apartment, car, and job felt very isolating.

I should have changed our prenup before moving

Another thing I should have done was to change our prenup to include a split of some assets.

I had signed a terrible prenup days before our wedding, before having kids, that offered me one year of my rent paid by my ex.

The agreement waived spousal support and decreed that none of the property or assets acquired during our marriage was marital property, so nothing was split, and I didn’t receive a share of retirement benefits.

If talking about our future would have started a fight, I was pretty anxious that discussing changes to the prenup might end the marriage right then and there, so I never brought it up, and we never updated the terms, even after having kids.

I put my career on hold to raise the kids, but this meant that I didn’t protect myself financially while married, and so I didn’t have any savings to carry me through when everything fell apart.

I had been foolish to believe there was going to be good faith and care during the divorce. If I could, I would have altered the prenup to include a portion of retirement benefits from the length of the marriage so I had more of a financial cushion to support myself afterward.

I should have been more involved with our housing situation

Before moving over 1,000 miles from my roots, I wish I had asked that we purchase a home, even a small one or a fixer-upper.

I would have requested that the property be in both our names. As a stay-at-home mom, it would have given me some security that my well-being was considered, or, on the flip side, if he’d refused, I may have had more clarity that my well-being was not being considered.

In Texas, we rented a home at first, and then moved to a small apartment, where my ex remained after the divorce, and I found a new apartment to live in.

I wish I’d stood up for myself more

Staying quiet, not having these important conversations, and going with the flow put me at risk. I’m still recovering, years later.

My eyes well up when I think about how far my home is. The distance, time, money, and planning it takes to return to visit New York is overwhelming, though I manage it once a year or so.

I can’t help but think about how life would have looked if I spoke up. I wish I had those conversations before moving so far away from where I’m from, to ensure the plans involved my well-being and happiness.

Living in Texas until my kids finish high school, at least, is not what I expected, but I’m trying to focus less on my displacement grief and more on making memories with my kids, no matter where we live.

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