Most people have the purest intentions when complimenting their partner. Statements like “You’re so beautiful” and “You’re the kindest person I know” can be genuine and affirming. However, certain words of praise might create unhealthy expectations or even celebrate self-neglecting behaviors. Here are five compliments to think twice about before giving to your partner.
1. “You’re Always So Calm”
The ability to remain calm and collected, even in the most stressful moments, can be a sign of great strength. However, sometimes, standing up for yourself and disrupting peace is necessary for growth and positive change.
Complimenting someone by saying “you’re always so calm” is like rewarding their lack of emotional reaction.
“This is praise that can be used to reward emotional silence, not emotional strength,” Mark Travers, Ph.D., wrote on Psychology Today. “However, there are moments where someone praising your calmness is less about your inner resilience and more about their own comfort.”
According to Travers, “They may not be celebrating your emotional health. Instead, they might just have been relieved you didn’t have an emotional reaction, even if it was warranted in the scenario.”
2. “You’re So Selfless”
Selflessness often includes a lack of focus on one’s own interests and needs. In fact, Dictionary.com defines selfless as “having little or no concern for oneself.” I don’t know about you, but I don’t believe that practicing constant selflessness is a positive way to go through life.
This compliment tells your partner that you appreciate them for putting others—like yourself—above themselves. While selflessness is an admirable trait, constantly neglecting your own needs is not something that should be glorified. If you’re going to give this compliment, make sure you follow it up by letting them know they deserve love and effort, too.
3. “You’re Always the Bigger Person”
Being the “bigger person” is usually a sign of maturity, but when it’s a default state of being, it might point to boundary issues or lack of self-esteem.
This compliment rewards the person for constantly rising above others’ negative behaviors, but it also might communicate to them that they shouldn’t stand up for themselves. Oftentimes, someone who is constantly the “bigger person” is someone who is constantly letting others walk all over them. That’s no noble act.
4. “You’re the Only Person I Can Talk To”
While it’s a great feeling to know your partner trusts you and finds unmatched value in your support, making someone believe they’re the only person you can rely on puts a ton of pressure.
“This is a compliment that pedestalizes your empathy while quietly making you responsible for someone else’s emotional regulation,” Travers explained. “At first, this may feel like the highest form of trust. You’re the chosen one—the person they finally feel safe enough to open up to. But beneath the surface, this statement may be less about connection and more about emotional dependency.”
5. “You’re Better Looking Than Them”
Complementing your partner via comparison to others is never a good idea, especially when it comes to their appearance. This tells your lover that you are actively comparing their looks to someone else, which can breed insecurity and even competition.
Not to mention, you don’t need to put other people down to lift your partner up. This can create a subconscious urge to compare themselves to others, which might make them feel like they must always come out on top. Otherwise, they’ll lose your attention or affirmation.
The post 5 Compliments You Shouldn’t Give Your Partner appeared first on VICE.
