Welcome to Declassified, a weekly humor column.
It’s been a, er, devil of a week for satanists.
Russia’s Supreme Court this week outlawed the International Movement of Satanists, saying it was based on “hatred and hostility” (thank goodness Russia itself doesn’t show any hatred and hostility to, for example, its neighbor to the southwest).
Despite being banned, the International Movement of Satanists doesn’t actually exist, although if it did, its address would be 666 Devil’s Alley, Hell, Norway (yes, there is a village called Hell in Norway). What the Russian judges are banning is the idea of devil worship, which is something the Russian Orthodox Church and conservative lawmakers have called for years to be outlawed. In April, Russia’s lower house of parliament, the Duma, hosted a roundtable on combating Satanism and other beliefs considered a threat to the country — although calling it a roundtable gives off strong séance vibes, which may not have been the aim.
The news comes as the devil himself made a high-profile, if not necessarily flattering TV appearance. The first episode of the new series of “South Park” showed Satan in bed with, and turning down the sexual advances of, Donald Trump, who was also depicted with a penis so comically tiny that the devil says, “I can’t even see anything, it’s so small.”
Also mentioned in the episode are the “Epstein list,” U.S. tariffs on Canada, and the attacks on Iran, which the cartoon Trump gets mixed up with Iraq.
While Satan appears fairly regularly on “South Park,” the Trump-baiting will doubtless have caused a few anxious moments at the HQ of American network Paramount, which just paid creators Matt Stone and Trey Parker $1.5 billion for the global streaming rights to their show for the next five years. That’s a lot of money to hand out for a company that just axed “The Late Show With Stephen Colbert” and said that was “purely a financial decision” and nothing to do with Colbert’s regular Trump-baiting.
“South Park” has, alas, never made fun of the European Union although there is a joke in the fifth episode of the first season of “The Muppet Show” in 1976 about the European Common Market. No, really.
In another blow to the devil, Ozzy Osbourne died this week aged 76. Osbourne always denied being a Satanist but he did invite questions about his beliefs with the 1980 song “Mr. Crowley,” about English occultist Aleister Crowley, and recorded an album called “Speak With The Devil.”
While Osbourne was keen to distance himself from Satan, he did once appear in a clip endorsing Andy Street, the Conservative candidate to be mayor of the West Midlands, Osbourne’s home region in England. Street was once managing director of upmarket department store chain John Lewis, which sadly has never used the Osbourne song “Countdown’s Begun” to announce the start of their summer sales.
Osbourne always refused to confirm or deny if the Black Sabbath songs “Sleeping Village” and “Into The Void” were about the European Parliament.
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“Rejoining isn’t a dream. It’s my plan.” by Val Flynn
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