Let’s set the scene: you’re on a date with someone you met on Hinge or Bumble or whatever app you’ve been using. It’s going extremely well—so well that you both agree to a second date. Then a third date. Then a fourth, fifth, sixth…until eventually, you’re spending as much time together as a committed couple. You’re intimate with each other, meeting each other’s loved ones, and spending entire days/nights together.
That is, until the other person suddenly pulls away—with no explanation. They don’t give you a heads-up via text or an explanation over the phone or in an in-person meeting. Instead, they stop replying to you: Ahhhh, the dreaded ghosting.
But then, months later, after you’ve already picked up all the pieces and put yourself back together, they return out of nowhere. What’s more? They’re acting like nothing happened, like they didn’t just drop off the face of the Earth for weeks on end without the decency of a conversation. And when you confront them, they spew a million excuses and act like you’re making the whole thing up: Ahhhh, the dreaded gaslighting.
Put them together? You have what experts now call ghostlighting.
What Is Ghosting?
We’ve all heard of the term ghosting, which is, unfortunately, a typical behavior in today’s dating world.
According to Psychology Today, “Ghosting is abruptly ending communication with someone without explanation.” In a romantic context, this can be extremely distressing. When someone you know and love suddenly drops you without even talking to you first, it can trigger a ton of mixed emotions, from fear and dejection to anger and resentment.
During a typical, respectful breakup, both parties are able to discuss the ending of the relationship and how they will move forward. They might exchange belongings and offer mutual words of support and love, despite things not working out.
But when you’re ghosted, you’re deprived of that opportunity. It can leave even the most secure partners feeling panicked and gutted.
What Is Gaslighting?
Another common (often overused) term many of us use today is gaslighting. This basically refers to denying someone’s truth as a form of manipulation.
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, gaslighting “is an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity. As a result, the abusive partner has a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Indeed, once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.”
True gaslighting can be extremely harmful and dangerous, especially in romantic relationships where there might be a power dynamic.
What Is Ghostlighting?
Ghostlighting is a combination of ghosting and gaslighting. Basically, the person carrying out the ghostlighting will initially ghost someone, then return and gaslight them about said ghosting. In other words, they’ll act like it never happened, make excuses, and deny the other person’s reality.
“It is a manipulative tactic where an individual disappears and cuts off communication suddenly from another person,” Lee Phillips, a certified therapist who works with couples, told Oprah Daily. “When confronted, they feel anxiety and shame, and freeze, and then make up an excuse because they were too busy.”
If you’ve been on the receiving end of ghostlighting, please know it’s not your fault—and you deserve much more than someone who will drop you with zero explanation, only to deny the truth and fail to take accountability. It’s best to walk away from these individuals and let them sit with their mistakes.
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