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Parenting changes when children head off to college — the dynamic shifts. It’s a strange transitional time, and right now, I’m learning to let go. I am still a mom, but as my kids begin to transition to adulthood, there are also lessons I still need to teach them. I want them to know how to make doctor appointments and refill prescriptions. I want them to be able to do things without me.
I have four kids, including an 18-year-old daughter and a 20-year-old son. My relationships with both of them have changed since they started college; there are also differences in the dynamic between me and my daughter, who remains at home in the bedroom she grew up in, and my relationship with my son, who has moved out and now lives with his girlfriend.
We’re figuring out this new period together
Yes, legally, they are adults, but they are still learning some monumental lessons that we are navigating both together and apart. We’ve already experienced some milestones together during this time, and there are more on the way.
For example, while they’re still covered under my insurance and I pay their expenses, medical bills are addressed to them, not me, which makes it harder for me to pay them. I don’t have the right to access their medical information unless they permit me to do so. That process has been a complicated one, and I’ve had to teach them how to do things like make doctor’s appointments and refill prescriptions.
They are also learning about taxes and other ‘adult’ responsibilities. This year, I did my daughter’s taxes, but my son wanted to do his own. He came over with the laptop he purchased on his own, and I walked him through it instead of doing it for him as I have in the past.
That’s been a big part of the difference between the two; while my daughter still relies on me a bit more, because we’re more involved in each other’s lives every day, my son has started to lean on me less. I often feel guilty because I do more for her than I do for him, though he is two years older.
As our dynamic shifts, so do our boundaries
Another interesting issue is figuring out boundaries together — both theirs and mine.
My college-age daughter can vote and get approved for a credit card, but still lives under our roof. We’ve decided not to impose a curfew on her. However, she does need to call me and let me know where she is.
When it comes to money, we’ve discussed what she pays for and what I cover. She works, and she pays for some of her clothes and activities while I cover her cellphone bill and anything related to the cost of living in the house, like food and utilities. She also paid for most of a college visit we went on together to Arizona, including her flight.
Things work differently for her brother, who lives on his own. I don’t set rules for him. The only bills I still cover are his cellphone and medical bills. I still worry about him, but I understand letting him go is a natural part of parenting a young adult. There are times when I still miss seeing him each day, and because he’s busy with work and school, we have to carve out time just to see each other.
Navigating this new era of parenting has been both a challenge and a joy. I am getting to watch my children transition to adulthood with and without my help. They are implementing lessons I’ve taught and learning other things without me.
We are re-establishing our relationships as we so often have, as they’ve moved from toddlers to school-age kids to teens to adults. While I don’t always love letting go, I am so proud of how they are transitioning to this new phase of their lives. It is also preparing me for when my youngest two children, who are 12 and 14, become young adults and get ready to leave home.
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