You’ve likely heard of the trauma responses of fight, flight, and freeze—but have you heard of “fawn?” This often overlooked response is a natural reaction to perceived or real threats via the appeasement of others’ feelings. Instead of running away or standing still in the face of danger, you try to people-please your way out by appealing to the perpetrator.
What Is Fawning?
According to Ingrid Clayton, Ph.D., Licensed Clinical Psychologist, the term fawning “was coined by Pete Walker, a psychotherapist who specializes in complex trauma (synonymous with developmental, relational, or childhood trauma).”
And so, “fawning” became the fourth trauma response, among fight, flight, and freeze.
“It was particularly common for people who had, or were experiencing, long-term, relational trauma,” Clayton wrote in her Psychology Today article. “Walker describes fawning as ‘a response to a threat by becoming more appealing to the threat,’ a mirroring or merging with others’ desires or expectations in order to diffuse conflict and find safety.”
When we fawn, she explained, we typically compromise our own boundaries and struggle to assert our needs. This often leads us to overly accommodating and appeasing others, especially those whom we deem a threat.
What Does Fawning Look Like in Relationships?
In a romantic relationship, fawning might look like people-pleasing at your own expense. However, it goes even farther, oftentimes putting you in unhealthy and even dangerous situations.
For example, maybe you fawn during physical closeness. Even when you want to say no to sex, you feel obligated to make your partner happy. So, you go along with it, unconsciously neglecting your own need for rest or space.
Or maybe you feel your needs don’t matter as much as your partner’s, so you continuously invalidate your feelings and sweep them under the rug. Instead, you burn yourself out to make the other person happy, because to you, that’s when you feel the most peace.
Clayton, who is also the author of the forthcoming book, FAWNING: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves—And How to Find Our Way Back, also describes some examples of fawning, including apologizing to people who have hurt you, ignoring bad behavior, befriending your own bullies, obsessing over whether you’re saying the right thing, changing yourself to appease others, and seeking approval that seems impossible to attain.
How To Heal From a Fawning Response in Relationships
Does the above situation sound familiar? You’re not alone—and this doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed. Oftentimes, it’s just the wiring in your brain telling you you must prioritize others before yourself.
You were likely taught that your needs were “inconvenient” or would lead to your abandonment. So, instead, you abandon yourself.
In unhealthy relationships with abusive or toxic partners, this can be detrimental, as the other person might take advantage of your tendency to accommodate them. However, in a healthy relationship, your partner should notice how you downplay your own needs and encourage you to voice them instead, making you feel safe enough to do so.
Recovering from the “fawn” trauma response also requires unapologetic self-care. Yes, this means putting your own needs above others, which might seem impossible and terrifying. In which case, it helps to work with a professional.
In my experience, it’s also crucial to work on improving your self-worth and sense of self as a whole. Many fawners spent most of their lives appeasing others while neglecting themselves, meaning they might not even know who they are at the core. Thankfully, it’s never too late to find out. When you’re comfortable with and confident in yourself, you get to call the shots in your own life, rather than outsourcing your own intuition.
Additionally, setting boundaries is crucial. If you struggle with saying “no” or being guilted into doing things you don’t want to do, try to practice letting people down. This might mean you’re no longer labeled as “nice” and “selfless,” and you need to learn to be okay with that.
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