The concept of taking a sprinter van to a Greek Goddesses party led by an Instagram life coach who specializes in covert narcissism is about as farcical as the Housewives conceit gets.
The Real Housewives of Miami have donned their Salt Lake City best all season—sprinter vans, Greek memorabilia, and all—fighting in increasingly incoherent ways as each Housewife takes a turn in the villain seat. One week, it’s Larsa with the “go be with your dying dad” in the taxi cab. The next, it’s Julia with the water glass at the wedding reception. This week, it’s Lisa with the tardiness in the sprinter van.
Our goddess of self-sabotage, Lisa has long discarded whatever moral high ground she has in her feud with Larsa—and by extension, the group—by being so wonderfully self-absorbed it’s impossible to fully celebrate her. By the time she arrives two and a half hours late to the sprinter van, the ladies have fully divulged to psychosis. This gives our newest mojito, freshman cast member Stephanie, to launch a brutal takedown of Lisa that proves she’s more than happy to drive in the villain seat, even if just to run someone over. Stephanie isn’t the goddess of accountability. She’s the she-EO!
Though, yes, Lisa was absolutely evil to make these women wait in the van for that long only to roll up all smiles. But it’s surely a bit classless for Stephanie to jump right to “Lisa, do you think your time’s more important than all of ours? Or do you think that you’re, like, more valuable?”
What happened to ‘Hi, how are you?’ What happened to… customer service?
Such brazen behavior is sure to come back to bite Stephanie the second she makes a mistake, especially given she’s mentioned her hate for tardiness in both her episodes so far. Don’t even think of showing up a minute late to an event ever again, Steph. They’ll have your head on a stick.
But we can only focus on the now, in which Lisa is two hours late, while Stephanie’s been busy walking around her company and saying things like “show me the units” in Jackie O. garb.
I’m kind of obsessed with Stephanie’s whole girlboss schtick. She’s just a walking Bluesky post, constant affirmations and exclamations with little to no substance that simply emulate what she thinks others expect from a person of her caliber. No one else can deliver bangers like “every day that goes by is one less day that we have on Earth.”
We know almost nothing about this woman except that she has no friends (apparently, because they were late too!), her sisters hate her, and she runs a company she adopted from her much-older husband, all qualities of an exemplary Housewife. She kind of seems like someone who would slowly poison her husband to death in the name of her own success, and I wouldn’t begrudge it.
One thing Miami attracts is the many genres of grifters whether it’s Stephanie O, Adriana de Moura, or this random life coach Alexia dug up off Instagram. I love Adriana so dearly, but I did have to fact-check her claim that coconuts kill more people than lightning strikes during hurricane season, and… well, maybe it’s true. Coconuts kill more than 150 people a year, apparently. The more you know!
Of course, I should know better than to doubt the Brazilian queen. She has never lied, except for all those times that she did.
As for this life coach, he’s on thin ice. I don’t trust some Aussie who rolls in with Instagram quotes about narcissism while targeting the most vulnerable cohort known to man: women named Alexia Nepola.
Head goddess of delusion, Alexia wants to wrangle all the ladies together for a powerful exercise where they can crown the biggest narcissist of the group. That’s definitely the kind of thing a life coach would recommend, as would a good producer.
Obviously, this group is full of narcissists of all shapes and sizes, so it’s hilarious for Alexia to elect herself mother hen of the group to discuss all their flaws, while neglecting to get into the weeds of her faux divorce with Todd. It’s even funnier that Alexia tells Guerdy that her major flaw is being too loud and defensive, as though she’s not the exact same way. But why would Alexia try to fix her own flaws when she can project them onto others? That’s way more fun.
And, hey, she helps facilitate a one-on-one between Julia and Guerdy, so what Alexia lacks in introspection she makes up for in television sensibilities. This season is such a well-oiled machine, and it’s so nice to finally see a scene between these two former friends after four episodes of utter confusion.
It’s no surprise, either, that their one-on-one is decidedly less dramatic than everything that preceded it. Julia and Guerdy both operate in similar ways (i.e. they like to perform for the audience, whether it’s the fans at home or their fellow Housewives), so removing all external factors deflates almost all the tension in the room.
After all, what are they even fighting about? It can’t be that big a deal that Guerdy came to that cruise ship dinner with Captain Sandy and missed a Zoom call. The concept of anyone vying to be on a cruise ship dinner—yet alone with the third most renowned Below Deck captain—just seems a bit too incredulous. Then again, this is The Real Housewives of Miami.
These goddesses will fight, make up, and fight again—whether it’s with each other or their husbands. No one really knows what they’re fighting about, because their perspectives are warped by the distorted world of reality TV where you don’t have to be right, you just have to seem like you are.
As the queen of pop, Carly Rae Jepsen, once sang, they’re like Aphrodite, and it’s fine to only know the things they know.
Next week, they’ll reveal something they know all too well: that Lisa is the biggest narcissist in the group. Thus, a fourth episode of RHOM Season 7 will end with a woman leaving the room in tears. Now that’s women supporting women.
The post The Real Housewives Are Brawling in a Sprinter Van…Again! appeared first on The Daily Beast.
