Usually, when a new dating trend comes up, I want to rip my hair out. However, I recently stumbled upon the term “contra-dating,” and for once, it’s a trend I can actually get behind.
What Is Contra-Dating?
Contra-dating essentially means dating outside of your usual “type.” In other words, you’re contradicting your usual dating habits by giving someone new a chance. For example, maybe you’re typically attracted to extroverted, preppy men who work in finance. Contra-dating might look like choosing an introverted, sensitive artist type instead.
The goal isn’t always to find your soulmate on the first try. Rather, it helps broaden your dating pool and allows you to give others a chance. You never know what type of connection you can find someone you’d typically never think twice about.
Not to mention, contra-dating often helps daters look past superficial attributes. Rather than instantly writing someone off for their appearance or career, this dating trend helps you to get to know the person on a deeper level.
Tips for Contra-Dating
Interested in the concept of contra-dating? Here’s how to properly capitalize on this dating trend.
1. Identify Your Usual Type
First things first, take a moment to reflect on the people you’ve dated in the past. Has there been a pattern? For example, maybe they all have dark hair and tattoos, or perhaps they have avoidant attachment styles.
Then, explore why you might have this type. When it comes to physical preferences, that usually means we’re prioritizing chemistry and attraction (not that that’s necessarily a negative, but it’s good to be aware of it). When it comes to personality traits, maybe there’s something drawing you to your type, be it trauma or comfort.
This doesn’t mean you have to forgo your type altogether. Rather, it just means dipping your toes into something new. You never know what you’re missing out on.
2. Set Up a Date With Someone Outside of Your Type
Now that you know what your type is, choose someone who doesn’t measure up to those standards. For instance, if you usually date shy girls, give the big personality gals a chance. If you usually date blondes, pursue a brunette for once. While it might seem counterintuitive or even intimidating, it can open you up to a whole new world.
3. Challenge Any Limiting Beliefs That Arise
As you contra-date, you might notice some limiting beliefs come up, such as…
“I could never feel physically attracted to someone who’s my height.”
“I will only ever feel understood by someone who is as emotional and creative as I am.”
“I’m not good enough for someone who has a successful career and secure attachment style.”
“If someone is too outgoing, that means they’ll cheat on me.”
You see how some of the characteristics we deem to be our “type” are actually protective mechanisms? Sometimes, we have preconceived notions about others without even realizing it. Maybe you were raised to believe that money, status, and appearance equate to love and security. Or perhaps you were sold the idea that someone who is grounded is “too boring,” and that you won’t possibly feel the chemistry with them.
Start to challenge these ideas by giving new people a chance. Let them prove you wrong (Or right! At least then, you can say you tried.)
4. Focus On Building an Emotional Connection, Not Chemistry
Above all, as you date outside your type, focus on building an emotional connection with the person. Ask deep questions as you try to get to know them on an emotional, not physical, level. The romance can (and often does) come later. Prioritize authenticity and depth over chemistry. You never know: someone might just surprise you.
The post ‘Contra-Dating’ Is a Dating Trend I Can Actually Get Behind appeared first on VICE.
