I’m 61 and want to date, but people lose interest when they find out I’m poor. What do I do?

Dear For Love & Money,

I’m a 61-year-old disabled female. I’ve received SSI for 25 years and have been alone for 7 years. Everyone recommends using dating apps to meet someone. When your income is this low, the only responses are from people who believe I should feel grateful for being a booty call. I give up! Even when I meet someone who shares my hobbies and we seem to hit it off, the minute they find out I’m poor, the conversation ends.

I have many hobbies and interests and am self-supporting. I’ve never been married and have no interest in it. I don’t need or want to be taken care of; I am very independent and capable. I’m well-educated, kind, and a decent human being. I’m thinking my dogs will be my only company. Why do people complain about loneliness and then reject compatibility based on bank balances?

Sincerely,

Lonely, but Not Desperate

Dear Lonely,

I don’t know why people complain about loneliness and then reject compatibility based on bank balances. It feels like a pretty shallow dealbreaker, but people’s boundaries often reflect their baggage. Maybe they worry about dating someone who could become financially dependent on them. Perhaps they worry someone with a lower bank balance won’t be able to keep up with their expensive preferences. Or maybe, they’re just that shallow. Regardless of their reasons, your personal value is not tied to your net worth; nobody’s is.

My favorite part of your letter is when you said, “I’m well-educated, kind, and a decent human being.” So often, women and people with disabilities, in particular, are trained only to acknowledge what they’re not bringing to the table. Seeing someone own their strengths, as you did, is empowering, and I hope you stand firm in your worth. You may not have a lot of money to bring into a relationship, but you have plenty else to offer. Anyone who has rejected you has missed out on something special — it’s their loss.

You wrote that many people recommend using dating apps to meet people. I’ll go ahead and swim against the stream on this one. You aren’t looking for, as you said, a booty call; it sounds like you want a mutually enjoyable companionship in which both of you retain your independence. Dating apps are fast and easy, and offer endless options. All of these features tend to lend themselves better to short-term physical relationships rather than the more serious relationship dynamic that you want. Additionally, it’s easier to reject someone for petty reasons, such as their bank balance, when they’re just a face and a list of attributes on a screen. After all, there’s always another profile to swipe on.

While you’ve faced some setbacks, even when meeting people who enjoy the same hobbies, I still think hobbies may be your best bet at dating for a few reasons. Firstly, your shared love of an activity means you already have a lot in common, one of which could be similar income levels. Secondly, meeting people organically means they haven’t created a preconceived notion of who you are based on a carefully cultivated dating profile. If they learn you aren’t as wealthy as they assumed you were, they aren’t as likely to feel caught off guard and put off by the information.

I say “if they learn” rather than “when they learn” because disclosing your financial status isn’t mandatory, at least not immediately. You’re self-sufficient and don’t want to get married, so why tell them? Your financial ability might still indirectly come up — they may want to frequent Michelin-star restaurants while you can only afford dinner at the local bar-and-grill, or they want to enjoy every concert coming through town, while you can only cover the cost of a single putt-putt pass — but you don’t have to give them the details of your bank account to decline a date that’s beyond your means. Instead, frame your reluctance to spend big as fiscal responsibility rather than fiscal inability. This may feel like lying, but it isn’t. The difference between “I’m too poor to afford $200 concert tickets” and “That’s not how I prefer to spend my money” is a matter of privacy; you don’t owe anyone you just met a description of your savings account.

Down the line, you may find yourself combining finances with someone or in a serious, long-term relationship where disclosing your financial status is a natural development, an important disclosure, and a safe conversation to have with your partner. Until then, however, don’t carry your economic status as a secret that you have to confess immediately in the spirit of transparency. While it may not feel like it, most people — especially those you’d actually want around you — probably won’t worry about your income one way or another. But when you treat it like a potentially disqualifying consideration by blurting it out in the beginning, they might be more likely to see it as such.

Finally, I’d like to propose an alternate approach to companionship altogether: focus on building friendships rather than searching for romantic relationships for a while. Join groups geared toward people in similar walks of life. These groups could center on your hobbies, struggles, faith, or identity. Not only is community an excellent antidote for loneliness, but it will also broaden your network for finding romantic prospects. A good friend setting you up with someone they think you’ll connect with is worth a dozen apps full of people conditioned for instant gratification. You’re more than a dating profile or a bank account balance. The people you want in your life are the kind who will recognize that your worth defies dollar signs.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

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