We’ve all been there: trapped in a relationship dynamic where we’re constantly overextending ourselves, depleting our own energy without receiving enough in return. It’s not always the case that your partner isn’t meeting you halfway. In fact, sometimes, it’s a self-deprecating habit of attempting to “earn” love.
Continuing to show up for others without doing so for yourself will only leave you exhausted and resentful. This behavior isn’t as selfless as it might seem, and it can lead to serious issues in your relationship. If you’re pouring from an empty cup, how can you possibly expect to meet others as your fullest self?
That being said, it’s crucial to find balance in your relationship. Here are four ways to fill your own cup first.
1. Validate and prioritize your own needs
Oftentimes, in relationships, we’re told not to be “too needy” or dependent. While you do want to maintain independence and a sense of self, continuously abandoning and shaming your own needs will actually further disconnect you from yourself. Many people try to be a “chill girlfriend,” a “low-maintenance boyfriend,” a “supportive partner,” not realizing that they’re actually draining their own energy to fit into someone else’s idea of a soulmate. This self-neglect can be paralyzing.
That being said, it’s important to identify your needs and make sure you’re meeting them. For example, maybe you need your partner to communicate more, or perhaps you crave more alone time than most people. Neither is right nor wrong. Catering to your own needs helps you find compatible partners. When you’re consistently prioritizing your needs without invalidating them, you’re actively filling your own cup. That way, you can pour into others with more authenticity.
2. Do things that recharge you
Think about when you feel the most energized. If you’re an extrovert, you might recharge by spending time with loved ones. If you’re an introvert, you might require solitude. Get to know yourself and the activities that fuel your soul. Maybe it’s spending time in nature and writing poetry, or perhaps it’s attending concerts and adventuring through a city. Carve out time for those fulfilling moments.
3. Take care of your health
You are nothing without your health. If you’re constantly filling other people’s cups and running on zero, you’re bound to feel exhausted and even sick. Running your body into the ground does no good for anyone.
Instead, make time for yourself. Go for walks, hit the gym, attend a yoga class, or find a daily movement that works for you. Additionally, feed your body with healthy food. Your body will thank you by giving you more energy.
4. Learn how to say ‘no’
Saying “no” is still one of the most difficult challenges for me. Many of us were taught that self-sacrifice equates to love. However, this couldn’t be any less true. Overgiving and overextending often lead to burnout and resentment, both of which are toxic in a relationship.
While all relationships require some sort of compromise, and one partner might carry more of the weight during certain phases, beware of patterns of self-neglect. Ask yourself: How often do you say “yes” when you really want to say “no”? Be honest in your response, and practice self-awareness so you can begin to set better boundaries—both for yourself and your partner.
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