A husband opening the car door for his wife. A boyfriend surprising his girlfriend with flowers. Remembering her birthday. Tying her shoes. Paying for her nail appointment. Are these normal expectations or examples of the “princess treatment”?
A recent slew of popular videos on social media have debated the concept, and what it means for women in relationships.
Why are people talking about princess treatment?
For the past few years, the concept of princess treatment for women has occasionally surfaced. The definition tends to vary, but it loosely addresses how some women want to be treated in a relationship versus what is routinely expected.
Last week, Courtney Palmer, 37, reignited that discussion with a video that has garnered more than three million views. In it, she describes how princess treatment informs her relationship, including how she will sometimes defer to her husband.
“If I am at a restaurant with my husband, I do not talk to the hostess, I do not open any doors and I do not order my own food,” she says in the opening of the nearly six-minute video, which has prompted a wide-ranging discussion about gender roles, restaurant etiquette and relationship expectations.
In an interview, Ms. Palmer said that the response had been “blindsiding.” But she also feels that some of her beliefs have been misconstrued.
Meredith Lynch, a content creator whose satirical recreation of Ms. Palmer’s video has racked up more views than the original, called the original video “regressive.”
“The last thing that we need is somebody out there advocating for us to be quieter at a time when we are already being silenced,” Ms. Lynch said in an interview.
What qualifies as princess treatment?
Llaran Turner, a 26-year-old graduate student, said princess treatment was just a matter of respect.
“It can look however you want it to look,” Ms. Turner said. “Just women feeling valued, women feeling cared for, loved on — that’s princess treatment.” And she said that it wasn’t reserved only for romantic relationships.
“I know my friends treat me like a queen because I treat them like a queen,” she added.
Ms. Turner, who also made a reaction video to Ms. Palmer’s post, said in an interview that, to her, Ms. Palmer’s video didn’t represent princess treatment. “That’s just control,” she said.
In an interview, Ms. Palmer referred to the concept as “a gentle way of living” and a “softness” that allows your partner to lead with strength.
OK, so what is ‘the bare minimum’?
A less serious variation on the trend has also taken hold in which people are asking if various actions represent princess treatment or “the bare minimum.”
In those videos, a husband or a boyfriend typically sits in a chair while his significant other holds a hose at the ready, spraying him when he answers questions incorrectly.
Megan Meyer, a 25-year-old content creator and stay-at-home mother, offered a twist on the trend, making a video that features her ex-husband in front of the camera and her current husband behind it.
“I’m basically just trying to drill it in his head that everything should be bare minimum,” Ms. Meyer said of her ex-husband.
Charles Raynor, 32, a content creator in Ottawa, Ontario, who made a popular princess treatment video with his wife, said in an interview that doing things to take care of your significant other are simply the “unwritten rules” of a relationship.
Is this just enforcing traditional gender roles?
Echoing adherents of the trad wife culture and other conservative trends, Ms. Palmer, who has been a stay-at-home mother for nearly a year, said she had been cultivating a community of women on the internet who felt misunderstood for their desire to lean into “femininity.”
“They felt so much pressure with the girlboss era to be a working mom or a working woman,” she said. “And they had to be so masculine to get through the world.”
Others said princess treatment, in general, was just the sign of a healthy relationship.
“There’s certain times somebody is going to need to pick up the slack for the other person,” Mr. Raynor said, later adding, “But I would hope that a lot of the guys would want to treat their girl like a princess.”
What does it mean for relationships?
Amanda White, a licensed therapist who specializes in working with women, said if princess treatment became about suppressing your own needs or making yourself “as small as possible,” it might create unhealthy relationship dynamics.
“If you are inhibiting this role of a princess, that person isn’t going to fully know you and it isn’t going cause you to feel as deeply loved and connected,” she said.
Ms. White said women had spent the past decade discussing how to address conflict in relationships and be their own advocate, “and I think it’s definitely concerning to me that there is kind of this shift back.”
However, Ms. White said, the discussion may also help partners to provide recognition for the “invisible mental load” women often carry.
Nicole Stock reports on internet culture and other lifestyle news for the Style section of The Times.
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