My fellow Americans: When you pay taxes, which would you rather support? Cancer research, or getting one guy a really big boat? Don’t answer that. We have answered it for you, with the Big, Beautiful Bill.
We took one look at the economy and said, “All of these people can barely afford rent! Why, they might work a hundred years and never be able to buy a yacht! They will get married at city hall and have their receptions in a park. None of them will rent out the entire city of Venice. Maybe, if they are feeling fancy, they will buy a single egg.” And then we said, “No! We can’t let this happen. We are taking a stand. We’ve got to redistribute the wealth of Americans properly: to billionaires, who will use it better than the rest of us can.”
The Big, Beautiful Bill assigns each American a billionaire who will live the American dream for you. You can check in on your billionaire at intervals and see how he is using your money. Maybe he’s building a 19th pool. Maybe he’s buying himself some formerly public land! Maybe he’s taking a Supreme Court justice on a dream vacation! Maybe he is reupholstering the Statue of Liberty to hide the poem. Maybe he’s throwing a Great Gatsby–themed cocktail hour as part of his wedding extravaganza! Maybe he’s replacing his blood with transfusions from his “blood boys.” Maybe he has bought hundreds of eggs and is pelting the house of a mere hundred-millionaire with them. Maybe he has bought some $TRUMP coin and is attending a special bash! There’s never a dull moment for the lucky beneficiaries of this wonderful bill!
Sure, you are getting coal—and, for some reason, asbestos—in your holiday stocking, but somewhere your billionaire is getting 600 diamonds! One of them fell under his couch, and he didn’t even notice! Now he’s going to space! No, you can’t come. But you get to feel that you were a small part of making it happen. Unrelatedly, NASA is probably getting 41 missions canceled.
Remember the Adopt a Highway program? This is like that, except that at the end of it, the highways will all be worse and a man who doesn’t know your name will have six extra helicopters.
When you’re sick of checking in on your billionaire, don’t forget to pop in and look at ICE, the other thing your dollars are working hard to support! Not their faces. Those are still hidden. But you can check out the wonderful new facilities they’re building! Well, you can’t, personally, and they have said your members of Congress can’t, either. But you can imagine how wonderful they are! Probably, for $45 billion, they’re pretty wonderful!
Which would you rather have, support for your grandfather’s retirement or the reassuring knowledge that, somewhere, ICE is kidnapping someone else’s grandfather and throwing him into a van? Would you rather have food for your child, or the sense that maybe you helped contribute to building a big wall? As you struggle to find an elder-care facility that will accept Medicaid because all of the ones in your state have closed, just know that you’re living the American dream of having a costly internment facility built in your name! Did I say internment facility? I meant Alligator Alcatraz! They are selling T-shirts.
As your own dreams shrivel, remember that someone, somewhere is being made even more miserable than you! That’s the new American dream: that someone is being punished in your name. And, somewhere else, a billionaire is happy. Your personal billionaire! Look, he’s smiling and giving a big thumbs-up! Already, your tax dollars are being put to good use.
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